Monday, June 12, 2017

The Pit In The Pendulum

I have two posts in my drafts folder waiting to be published and I hesitate. I think they suck. I was supposed to go to the Goth picnic this weekend but I didn't. I wanted to go but then I started thinking all these negative things. Most of them were about me.

I didn't want to write about this but I think I must. After all, very recently I wrote about depression. The one thing I kept out is the fact that I am going through this right now. I didn't want to write about it but I think I should because I think some friends not only need a reason why I have been distant but because I feel like I should speak openly about it. I recently wrote that I didn't want to live in a world where everyone pretended to be happy all the time, and well, right now, I could be a little happier!

I feel kinda crummy too because I made plans with some people and didn't follow through. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning (ok, I always have trouble getting out of bed any morning but it is especially hard these days) and I think it is important to talk about depression due to the stigma behind it. This is why I am getting personal here!  It is just hard to find motivation to do anything but I am strong. Seriously, I am not going to let this get to me. Ain't nobody got time for that! I am very productive at work, I manage to keep my house clean, I have been going for long walks at night because despite feeling shitty, I am a fighter. Even if it means sleeping more and taking more breaks. Living in a messy house is only going to make me feel worse. Not exercising or eating crap food is only going to make me feel bad for all that weight gain since recently, I lost a lot of weight and am quite happy with the results. I started this positive lifestyle change by eating healthy and exercise, I am not going to let it slide. Not for this.

There are reasons for why I feel like shit  but I cannot list them here as they don't only involve me, they involve my son. As vague as I can be, I want to take a moment to speak to the parents of school aged children. The ones with kids who may have had some sort of difficulty. I am in that boat. I refuse to go into details and they are probably not serious but I am in the process of getting it all sorted out. It has been a battle and at least I am getting to the bottom of it.

A couple of years ago, a friend on Facebook shared a page that struck a chord with me. This little boy in the US has (I believe autism) and when his mother asked him who he would like to invite to his birthday party, he said no one. He had no friends. His mother created a Facebook page for his family called Colin's friends. The point of the page was for people to leave him positive words. Well, word did get out and people from all over the world "liked" the page.  In the end, people wanted to mail cards and the mom set up a PO box for him. He had no idea this was happening and you can imagine his surprise on his birthday when he received loads upon loads of birthday cards! I even mailed the kid one! I sort of stuck around on the page over the years and I got the privilege to see this young boy grow up (and learn that he is a fellow Whovian no less!) with his younger sister, Ella. 

There is a point to all of this and I am speaking to the parents who are in a similar situation as I am. You see,  his mother wrote something over the weekend that struck a chord with me and since she wrote it so eloquently, I would like you to read it too. I needed to read this. I realized that I wasn't alone and I hope this can offer you the same comfort it has for me:

"Tomorrow is Ella's last full day of school, then she has two half days, and then she's done. This hasn't been a particularly tough school year, but I'm still ready for it to be over. I do remember the years, however, where the countdown to the end of the year felt like life or death. Those years when the kids, and the school, and every adult that dealt with Colin all seemed to be fed up with him, and all I wanted is a day where I didn't have to sit in fear that I'd get a phone call, or an email, or have to go down to the school. I just wanted Colin to learn, and instead we learned just how cruel people can be when they think you are different. To all the parents of kids who are being bullied, or excluded, or are seen as "different", try to relax this summer. You've done a good job this year, being your child's champion, even when it doesn't feel like it. Your kid has the right to an equal education, and a safe place to get that in. Being "different" doesn't negate that. Here's to a peaceful summer to us all."

We have 10 more days until school is out. Not counting the weekend, he has 8 more days and I will be perfectly honest, I can't wait.  The past two months took it's toll on me and while I do not wish to give too many details online, let's just say I am so grateful for an understanding husband and a wonderful, sweet little puppy. She is on my lap right now as I am typing this. I swear, puppies are the best anti depressant in the world! 
To all parents out there in the same shitty situation as I am, I salute you. Hang in there, we are almost done! We can do this! I am sure, like me, there were times you wished you could have done enough or you imagined handling situations differently or what more you could have done, please remember, YOU are enough. I know how hard it is and sometimes we wonder whether or not we did the right thing. The fact that we worry about such things is what makes us GREAT parents. Remember to smile and enjoy your child too because I bet in 10 years from now, we are only going to remember the hugs, joy and laughter.  Those are the things worth fighting for and holding onto.

My antidepressants!


  1. Adorable antidepressants you' ve got there ☺

  2. They say parenting is the hardest job in the world -- hang in there, Mama Bear! That's one of the sweetest photos I've seen in a long time too.

  3. Cute picture of the two of them. Blogging for me I dunno I am not feeling in the mood to write like I used to. I feel blah when it's comes to blogging.

  4. No fair making me cry at work! But a very important and well writting post. I admire your strength and wish you and your family all the best.

  5. School kids can be the worst! I had so much trouble with kids just being asshokes to me in school! Depression is so exhausting too! I hope you give yourself a break when you can!



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