Monday, February 27, 2017

Digging up the bones

Looking back at my youth, back to when I was a Goth Fledgling, I realized many things. One of them was that I had a very strong knowledge on who I was. Somehow, as I got older, that knowledge became muddled and some of it got lost along the way. It is known that teenagers go through a phase or two in their life time and I went through many. Thanks to wearing many hats and to some harrowing life experiences,by the time I was eighteen, I had a very strong sense of who I was.

For example, when I was about twelve years old, out of the blue, I decided that I was vegetarian but several hours after I declared that I was no longer going to eat meat, one of my sisters tempted me with pepperoni pizza.  I then decided that the veggie life wasn't for me! I was also very into metal and head banged to my favourite songs. I discovered Nirvana and decided I was grunge instead. I  once wrote about these phases in the past and how I came to Goth in my teenage years.

Considering I recently celebrated a birthday and as I am very slowly getting closer to my fortieth birthday (it's still a few years away), I have been looking into my past a lot these past couple of weeks. I realize that as I grow older, the more like my baby bat self I become...except this time, I am much better informed about the subculture than I was back then! It seems as a I get older, the more I am reverting back to my old ways. I look at my personality and certain traits that I once brushed aside because I assumed was being immature are starting to re-surface. For instance, I can be a "bouncy" person. I am jovial. I always wanted people to take me seriously and felt like I needed to tone that down in order to do so. Over the past couple of months, I noticed that I use that perkiness (after all that coffee I drink, who wouldn't bounce off the walls?) to my advantage.I make stupid remarks. I use my sarcasm and wit because I think I am being hilarious and I really do believe that this is well received! I think one of the reasons why I like the show Gilmore Girls so much is because I am a lot like the main character. I realized people don't just call me Abby from the show NCIS because I apparently look like her, it's because I act like her! When I was younger, I was constantly told that this made me arrogant and unpleasant. The first real job I had working in a corporate office, I was told that it made me unprofessional or even seem immature but you know something? Perhaps it is the fact that I worked at the same company for 5 years but I think a lot of my coworkers actually like that attitude. I am not ass, I can be polite, especially when I need to tell someone "no" but I add my own little flair into things.I think this is one of the many reasons why my husband fell in love with me. I am a bundle of energy! I make him smile.

I do not have any fun recent photos so please accept these regurgitated silly ones.



I spent years of my life trying to fit into a tiny box. I allowed a lot of stupid societal pressures get to me. I realized that as I get older, the more subdued I become. I just stopped giving a fuck .Unlike my teenage years where I would tell people off for looking at me funny, I just stopped caring. I realized that some people even today still talk about me behind my back or even imply to my face that they disapprove of my lifestyle. Like their opinion of me or on things they have zero knowledge on, would mean something to me. As if dressing all in black and very occasionally going out is committing a felony. How dare I wear clothing that make me feel confident, attractive and happy in? How dare I find time for myself? I must be a REALLY bad mom. The way I see it, this speaks volumes about them and less about me.  I like that I can be sarcastic and witty. I like the way I dress. I like being Goth. I love having like-minded friends who not only have the same music preferences as I do but also share my love for the macabre. I like that I can talk fast and make funny remarks at the drop of a hat. I like that I can be a bundle of sarcasm. I like being geeky and make silly pop culture references.I am not everyone's proverbial cup of tea. I like that I got that pole out of my ass and just stopped taking myself so damned seriously all the time! Life is too short. As for anyone's opinion about me,  I just learned to not care.

10 comments:

  1. people spend too much time being concerned about others lives, trying to make them fit in. It's good to feel free to find yourself again. I've found some kind of mix between my Goth and Faery sides that I quite enjoy, who knows what will happen over time. As long as it's not boring,

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  2. Interesting self reflection, as I verge on to the dreaded big 30 I I find I no longer care and just do what suits my mood according to this day

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    1. That's really cool! I am envious. When I turned 30, I thought that I had to grow up, I left the Goth scene by then, and I was pregnant. I did the complete opposite.

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  3. Yes! You just be your own delightful self! That's the way to live life.

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    1. Exactly! It's funny because I had that attitude when I was kid but I lost that in my adult life. It's nice that I can bring out my inner child once again :)

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  4. I feel the same way...I mean, I am indifferent most of the time, but for years I tried to be as positive and sociable as possible to fit in, keep my job, whatever...Now I don't care anymore. If this is really related to how old you are, then this must the one and only upside of aging...

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  5. I fully agree. Life is just a wee pee of seconds in time. If we all stopped care what strangers might think of us, the world would be a funnier and happier place :-D

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  6. This is attitude is one of the things I really admire about you. I'm slowly working my way up there, but still struggle with the feeling of needing to fit in.

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  7. I'm getting closer to 33 and I am wearing a hello kitty hairband and a big rainbow colored beaded necklace. I even went to work with pigtails. IDC

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