Warning: Some may find this post offensive!!!!
This is one of my crazy stories. You were forewarned, dear readers! My mom is technically old enough to be my grandmother and she has a character. She turned 79 years old last March and by the way she acts, it would be hard to believe. She can still maintain a house. She still shovels the front stairs and walkway in the winter. She mows the lawn in the summer and she gardens! She has wicked arm muscles and she swears (although she denies using "foul language" as she calls it...my ass!). For instance, everything is a bastard. The dishwasher isn't working...that bastard! Some 'asshole' cuts her off on the road (she still drives...like a maniac no less) well she was pretty darned mad at that bastard! She once got so mad over something, she called it a "basting thing" which is now one of my favourite expressions.
There was a time when my husband first met her and thought "oh how cute, a really short, little old grandma" but then she spoke! In fact, something really ticked her off that day and there she was, calling the person a bastard and venting her outrage! We decided to order in some supper from the local restaurant and there she was swearing vengeance on the person who did her wrong. She was pretty ticked off and she was using "foul language" as she calls it and was dropping F-Bombs left, right, and center. She was saying all this while calling the restaurant to place our order! The moment the restaurant picked up on the other end of the phone, she immediately changed the tone in her voice and she sounded like the cute little old grandma all over again!
She got pretty sick last winter and asked me to go pay her phone bill. I could not do it online and had to go to her house to get the physical copy of it AND I had to go to the teller. I was not permitted to pay for it by the machine either. She also threatened me and made sure I agreed to get the bank to stamp her copy of the invoice as proof. Here I am, in my mid thirties, and I am still scared shit less of my mom's wrath. There was no way I planned on disrespecting her wishes. Once I get to the bank and go to the teller, the woman recognizes my mom's name on the invoice. She then comments with a big smile on her face "oh yes, I know your mom. We all do over here. What a funny lady she is and we all heard about you, Sylvie and your little boy. She showed me pictures, he's really cute." That's right. Complete strangers know about me and I bet they know some embarrassing stories about me too!
|Mom and Philip.|
Thanks to my mom being nutty, I am nutty too and married a man who is also pretty screwy. My mom uses my old Barbie dolls for toilet paper holders. She crochets a dress and we put a spare roll of paper under the dress. Well, my husband, Jay and I decided to leave the doll in naughty positions whenever we would use the facilities at her house. My mom would then see the doll hunched over with her dress hiked and crack up. Sometimes, she would call me to give me shit for it.
We recently did this shenanigan when we had a family reunion a couple of weeks ago. My cousins, aunts, and uncles cracked up! Jay and I were entertained over the reactions whenever a family member would walk out of the washroom. Like always, I get to listen to my mom complain (but we all know she is amused. The smile on her face gives it away) on how my husband and I have a "pervert mind" as she calls it.
My mom thought she would get even with us or "fix our clocks" as she would say. She knitted underwear for the doll. Well this was a gold mine for us! It gave us added ammunition to place the doll in all sorts of naughty positions with her underwear around her ankles (sometimes hidden in the medicine cabinet) My mom claimed on how annoyed she was at us for doing those things but deep down, we know she is amused. In fact, she tells everyone while laughing no less, how much of a pervert mind her daughter and son-in-law has!
To add more ammunition to the ongoing gag, which has been going on for about a decade now (it never gets old) she decided to remove the knitted panties and add some cotton ones. There is a catch:. She had sewn the underwear on so tight and the only way we could remove them would be to cut them off. We know that if we were to cut the underwear off, she would be really pissed off at us! Again, I am a mother myself and I still fear my mom's wrath. I will not go there! She fixed our clock, alright!
|Photo courtesy of my Cousin Laura, taken during our family get together.|
|Photo courtesy of my Cousin Laura. We changed position during the course of the night!|
I am grateful for a mom that has a warped sense of humour and hope that one day. my son will be able to share similar stories about us! Life is too short to take things seriously all the time.My mom is proof of that. We maybe a little weird and not your typical family but I am ok with that. Normality was never for me anyway!