Friday, July 29, 2016

Follow the white rabbit

I thought being Friday I would wear something fun to work. I got a lot of questions and compliments about my shirt today.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Summer survival: pool edition

There is nothing really special going on these days with me. It has been very hot here and to be honest, I hate this time of year with a passion! Come on! We want fall and we want it now!

On a more positive note, I discovered a public pool near my house and I have been going there almost every night to cool off and get some exercise. The pool is also reserved for adults in the evenings so there's no children splashing about. This is also wonderful for me because it not only gets me away from home, I can take a break from Philip, and it has been helping me with a lot of stress/anxiety I have been under.

On the weekends, I bring Philip to the pool and he loves the water. For a while, I gave up on the pool because he hated it as a baby and now that he is much older, he realized how much fun it is to splash around.

Another thing I like about the pool, during weekdays and weekends, there is also a wading pool available for the kiddies. I love the fact that I have a kid because I can indulge in my inner child with Philip over there. I am serious, if I didn't have a kid, I would borrow a friend's kid because I never had shit like this when I was younger!  You see, this is no ordinary wading pool. We have water cannons, a pole with buckets attached that tip over and splash you with water and all kinds of cool gizmos. We have a "water splash" as Philip calls it right up the street from my house but we don't want to go there anymore after discovering The Pool.

For those wondering, the following photo  is our old hang out, "the water splash" but we don't go there anymore after discovering The Pool.  This place is so overrated and as Philip would say "for babies"

So there you have it Darklings. What are you doing to keep cool this summer?

Monday, July 25, 2016

Of people staring

"...People on the street, they're ugly, mean and rude
They're bumping into me, they're bumping into you
They never say "excuse me" or "how do you do".
 - Voltaire, Oh Lord, Wake The Dead

While my family and I were out taking a walk over the weekend, my husband noticed something that bothered him. You see, what bothered him was the way I was stared at, pointed at, and looked at with a look of pure disgust on some of these people's faces. The funny part is, I never noticed any of this. I guess I have grown  accustomed to it. Jay was obviously a little annoyed but as I pointed out, I chose to dress like this and go out in public. I know full well that by dressing a certain way, it will attract unwanted attention and I lose my right to complain about it!

The way I have always seen it was simple: Fuck you. Don't like it, don't look. I am happy and I am not going to let anyone's insecurity or stupidity or closed-mindedness affect my day. It says less about me but says volumes about them and their character! Whenever I venture out alone or with someone, for every dirty look I get, I am sure I get a hell of a lot more positive attention!

I remember people asking me "You're a mom now, how is your son going to feel when other people stare at you/judge you/bully you because of the way you dress?" I always smile at these questions because they are well intentioned. I try not to take it the wrong way but see it as they are only showing concern. I always say the same thing whenever I get that question" "it teaches him a lesson on why you shouldn't judge people"

So far, Philip has not really noticed anything peculiar.  He noticed that he is a bit different from the other kids but he never noticed anyone treating me any different or giving me "the stink eye."

What he has noticed: Other people's houses don't have year-round Halloween décor and that makes him sad!

For me personally, where I live, I am not afraid to leave my house. The thought that something may happen to me has never crossed my mind. I like to think that most of these nasty judgmental people are probably more afraid of little old me than I am of them.  I do realize that I am lucky for this and it is not the same for many others.

Philip is a very shy kid but as the stereotype goes, children are attracted to us weird folk like bees are to honey! Philip has made friends because of his "cool mom" who talks about videogames and plays with his peers. I actually prefer to play with the kids then sit around and gossip with the adults! Having children and being exposed to other children also opens you up to a lot of questions about your tattoos, piercings, why you dress that way. Be prepared! Most adults never notice my tongue piercing but almost all the kids in Philip's class did!

I think the most annoying or condescending thing that was ever said to me by another parent was "you changed my views on people like you" Meaning, this person was closed-minded but as she got to know me, she changed her opinion.  I guess I should take this as a compliment but I have a really hard time with that.

I bet there will be days as Philip gets older where he would wish I dressed normal and looked like all the other moms in yoga pants! If that time should ever arrive, I am going to look back at my youth and remember all the times my parents embarrassed me. I won't even try to win that battle!

Friday, July 22, 2016

When you have a baby bat

I never expect Philip to be like me. I always try my best with allowing him to form his own opinions but I can't help smile over his "quirks" and how he is highly influenced by my tastes. Here are so cute examples and by the way,  I secretly hope he doesn't outgrow his eccentricities:

1) His favourite band is Blutengel.

2) He loves bats. In fact, he recently started a campaign to save the little brown bat from white nose syndrome. I am so proud of him. Not only has his taken an interest in environmental issues (he says he wants to protect Mother Nature) but he has a passion for animals, especially bats.

3) He loves going to cemeteries.

4) He loves zombies, vampires, and ghosts.

5) He already started talking about "not being like the other kids."

6) He has an appreciation for Joy Division, Cruxshadows, and Siouxsie.

7) He tells us other people's houses are weird because there are no bats or cool decorations there.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

The Diva in me!

I am not a glamorous person but I do like to add a little glam into my life here and there. Adding some glam in my life for me is by wearing makeup even if I don't buy expensive products and don't do anything fancy or over-the-top with it.

I spent several years just surviving, going on about day-to-day life and by being depressed. I stopped doting on myself and when I came out of my sadness, I made a commitment that I would always be the person I want to be and what I want the world to see even if this means going against on what society thinks I should be. Not long after, I ditched my colorful clothing, dyed my hair black and never looked back. This is why unless I am VERY sick or really pressed for time, I very seldom go out without makeup on. I do not let just anyone see me without my war paint and during the very few times I actually do go out without makeup (ie. like run to the store for milk, etc.)  I still  wear lipstick! As much as I work on my inner beauty, I do want that to shine through on the outside, even if my definition of beauty is different than most people. I don't dress the way I do to please other people but to please me. I want to look beautiful, glamorous, pretty, feminine for me!

Today, Darklings, was an exception to my "never leave home without makeup rule."  The second alarm woke me up this morning and this usually means, GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR! I am so not a morning person and I swear, one of the many things I am good at is sleep! I should win an award!  I also promised my little one a chocolate chip muffin from the Tim Horton's drive-thru this morning and I ALWAYS keep a promise I make to Philip, no matter what.

You guessed it, I actually dashed out the door without any makeup, not even lipstick! I did make sure to have my makeup case with me because there was no way in hell I would spend the day without any makeup on.

My boss, who is a very polite lady never said anything but I knew she was looking at me funny when she walked in this morning. Despite being late for work, she allowed me to go use the restroom and apply my makeup. I think she understood how I felt! Once my makeup was applied, I went to see her with a huge smile on my face and I thanked her for being so understanding. She admitted that I look different when I am not wearing makeup.

I am no makeup expert. I like to keep things simple but I do admire the power of makeup and how it can transform a person. It really does put an extra spring in my step when I leave the house with the right face on! To me, it is adding a little glamour to my daily life! We all need a little magic here and there.

Monday, July 18, 2016

You can't get rid of me yet!

My father passed away when I was a kid. I was 20 years old. He would never walk me down the aisle on my wedding day and he would never meet Philip. I lost my best friend. My dad "got me" and did everything he could to protect me and give me a nice home. I never realized until much, much later into my adulthood just all the sacrifices he had made for me.

When my father passed away, there was a void in my life for many years. Getting married only brought on more sadness because I wanted him there. When I got pregnant and found out I was having a boy, Jay agreed on letting me name my son after him.

My dad did so much for me that he neglected his health in the process. When I was about 14 years old, he was hospitalized. I didn't think he would make it but he did!

A couple of years later, he was told by the doctor to go get a cardiogram. He kept putting it off because he had better things to do. Well, one cold October evening, my dad had a severe heart attack. It hit him so fast, he didn't suffer.

With all this in mind, I want to give Philip what my dad could never give me; a long life with his parent. I want him to have to put me in a nursing home with all my cats!  I want to be there for him through his important milestones.  I do realize that when my time is up, my time is up and there is nothing I can possibly do about it. I do know that the current lifestyle choices I have made for myself are not conducive to a long, healthy life. I also feel like shit so I want to make sure that I have energy enough to give Philip (hell even Jay) a stern talking to whenever they need it!

I gained a lot of weight recently. Life was stressful for me. Philip had a hard time at school because of this bully then he had a hard time adjusting to summer camp. I let the anxiety get the better of me and it is not pretty. I love Philip but I need to manage stress and my anxiety better.  I need to start putting myself first. By taking care of myself, I will be hopefully giving Philip what my father was never able to give me.

I am back to eating better and have been enjoying my evening walks. I even started to jog a little. I am back with doing all sorts of exercises and taking care of myself.

With all that being said, I am quite fortunate to be living in an old neighborhood. I took some pictures while I was out on my jog/walk earlier today. It sure is motivating to get outside while living in this neighborhood :

This house was for sale last winter. I remember lamenting about wanting to win the lottery to buy it.I once remarked that there wasn't much of a back yard and even if we did win the lotto, I would be unsure whether or not we should buy it. Philip chimed in "its ok Mommy, you buy it, I don't need a backyard. I just need you to be happy. That is your dream house" That is my blonde haired, blue eyed angel!

This house is for sale for 1 million. We better start playing the lotto. I didn't notice. There were people sitting on the top balcony when I took the photo. I don't think I captured them (its a huge house) and I didn't notice them until afterwards, ooops!

Friday, July 15, 2016

When your blacks don't match

My mom recently bought me a skirt. She happened to see it in a store and she was so thrilled to be able to buy me something I like! The skirt is a weird shade of black but it is really nice. It is even better because someone thought of me!

Incidentally, my mom made a remark about the old geezer who lives across the street from her. He was commenting again about how I am such a pretty girl and it is a shame I look like I am in constant mourning My mom told me that she felt good buying me this skirt because she loves the way I dress and it is her way of showing the annoying guy up!

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Update on the introverted kid post

Last week, I wrote about my dilemma with summer day camp and how my son did not adjust to it at all.

I explained as best as I could that I wanted him to try day camp because sometimes it is good to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. I also explained that it is OK to walk away from situations that make him unhappy.

I did try to have a conversation with the camp, just like some of you suggested in my last post.  I explained that I did love their program but inquired on why they had so much structure and why they give children so little time for free play?

 I was a little insulted with their response.

First, they blamed his age and suggested the younger group. OK I can understand to a certain point.  The younger group has less structure and more time for free play. He is the youngest in this particular group where in the other group, he would be the eldest.  I also dont agree with too much structure with school aged kids - no matter the age. Recess was invented for a reason. It makes me loose hope in the world. When I was a kid, at recess time, my best friend and I would play witch and vampire. We came up with our own games. We used our imaginations. I got the impression that this was discouraged at this camp. WTF? Which leads me to....

Then they told me that they were no child psychologists but they implied that it was NOT normal for kids to want downtime. I guess with the majority of the population being extroverts, one does not see how social interactions can be draining for some people. I guess being an introvert myself, I can understand where Philip is coming from. Besides, who wants to be normal anyway???? Let the extroverts have their stupid overly-structured no imagination camp!

I noticed this past week he has been taking a shit load of tantrums and his behavior was really bad. I asked him what was up his ass. He told me: "I dont want to go to camp. I hate it there"

In my opinion, why make him go there? Isnt the point of summer day camp to be fun? I would understand if I didnt have any other options but I do. I am fortunate to have a mom who is over the moon to be able to spend time with her grandson this summer. He is bonding with her and lets be honest. My mom wont be around forever. He seems much happier to go to Grandma's. Who wouldn't? She spoils the shit out of him, takes him to Mcdonald's, buys him all sorts of crap, and then sends him home! If I did half the things my son did at her house, she would have kicked my ass like there was no tomorrow! So far, he drew on the walls, played ball in the basement and talked back to her once - which I gave him shit for it and thankfully hasnt done it since. The worst part is my mom simply chalked it up as "he's just a little boy." My ass he is!

I know some people were concerned because I lost a lot of money because I pulled him out of camp. To me, it's just money.

The only thing I am concerned about is whether or not I am doing the right thing. I dont want him to be miserable BUT I dont want to be that parent who coddles their kid to death either. I made it very clear with him that in school, no matter how much he bitches and complains, he HAS to go and he has to participate. His response "my best friend is at school. I can do what I want at recess and lunch. School is better than camp, mommy"  Wow, the kid prefers school over camp!

I also noticed that he seems more relaxed while at my mom's. He comes home and tells me about all these cool imaginary games he came up with in her backyard. He is now drawing his adventures in an old scrapbook and is "reading" them to the cats. Pippin in particular has been very good about this. He actually curls up next to Philip and listen to his stories intently about knights, vampires, castles, and dragons.

We will try again next year. Maybe if he goes to a camp where he has a friend or two it would be easier. I regret putting him in a different camp from his friends but ALL these kids were going to sports camp and that is not really Philip's cup of tea. I also wanted him to make friends with other kids. I am thinking, with another full year of school under his belt, he will discover more interests and perhaps I can find a camp better suited towards them? Maybe a theater themed or creative writing camp?

 As for getting out of his comfort zone and meeting new people? He is 5 years old, he has plenty of time for that! We are planning on putting him in choir, robotics and swimming lessons (this may change, after all, he is 5 - he changes his mind more than he changes his underwear!)but he will always want to join an activity.

I seriously believe that by keeping him in day camp at this point would do more harm than good. I remember as a kid, summer time was for fun and imagination. It was not filled with worries or stress. He just finished his first year of school where he had problems with this other kid in his class. Let's give him time to breathe and just let him deal with one issue at a time! Let him play out his stress (I am sure one of the antagonists in his stories was named after that kid who gave him a hard time last year) and use his imagination before he goes back to school. The world needs more creative people and more introverts! If he were to be older, I would be more firm with him and encourage him to stay but he is still a little person. He just doesn't understand yet and that's fine.

Before I became a parent, I thought I knew it all. Even if kids came with a manual, it would never be guaranteed that you are doing the right thing. With this issue, I am going with my gutt. This is the right thing for now.

Monday, July 11, 2016

New shirt, old skirt, positive outlook and a wardrobe malfunction

I thought this outfit looked nice and wanted to show it off!

The top is new but the skirt is not. I wore this for work on Friday. The skirt is short but I have shorts underneath which is why I think I have more of a "muffin top" than I normally would. Be careful when layering clothes!

Speaking of "muffin tops," originally, I looked at these pictures and thought "oh shit, I look fat" but then I decided so what? We see so many images of very skinny models (alternative and mainstream) that I wanted to show that I am far from having the "perfect" body. I want to show my readers that I have flaws, that in my own way, I am beautiful.

Yes, I am losing weight  and I did lose a lot of it but I am struggling. I would much rather celebrate what I have accomplished and to continue to take care of myself than by feeling sorry for myself.

In the end, as much as I was originally ashamed of these photos, I am damned proud. I am one bad ass woman! I carried a baby to term and as a result, I don't have the same body I used to! I am happy and that is important. I much rather have a few little lumps on  me than being that bag of bones I used to be when I was younger.

Sometimes we need to cherish the body we have vs the body we want.

When my husband sees me, he sees a beautiful woman.

When my son sees me, he sees his mom and he tells me that I am beautiful too.

When my friends see me, they see a friend who is willing to be there for them.

I will not starve myself in order to conform to someone else's beauty standards. One day at a time. One pound at a time.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Bats and a maxi dress

This week has been hell. Work and my personal life was insanely busy and frustrating. It felt like I was reeling from crisis to crisis like a drunken sailor!

If you have read my previous post, Philip started summer (day) camp this week and it has been a disaster. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all my lovely readers who took time out to answer my questions and for their input. I really appreciated your reassurance. You have no idea how much it meant to me and has made me feel more confident in my decision.

As a result, my outfits have been simple this week. It was very hot and humid out too and I just didn't feel like putting much effort on anything.

This morning I pulled out my Maxi dress. I have another use for it! If you remember this post, I pointed out it's many uses and I also wore the same dress for the Cure concert.

Just when I thought I ran out of ways I could wear this simple dress, I decided to team it up with my new Hell Bunny Bat cardigan! I was quite warm in my very cool, sometimes overly air-conditioned office.

If you buy this cardigan, be careful, the buttons fall off easily but that is just a minor inconvenience!

I think I look nice despite the pressure I was under all week. In fact,  I may look like I have my shit together but in reality, I don't!

The evil sun is in my eyes

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Introversion and the strong willed child

This is a "what is going on in my personal life" sort of post. No rants and no outfit posts this time around but I should have some more fun stuff coming soon.

My baby bat, Philip started summer (day) camp this Monday. This is NOT a sleep away camp but a day camp where children go to while the parents are at work during the summer months.

I found a camp that offers a wide range of activities. They do play sports (not Philip's favourite thing to do since he is an artsy kid)  BUT they also play a lot of board games (Connect Four, Jenga, Snakes & Ladders, Sorry, etc) and they do a lot of crafts. I thought this was a perfect fit for him.

I thought I was all set until it came to the morning drop off because I completely forgot how shy, anxious, and introverted he is.

As a result, he has missed two days so far (I had to go pick him up) because he got shy, scared and flipped out. He did a full day on Monday and appeared to be happy. Tuesday, I had to get him early, Wednesday he had a field trip, therefore, lasted a whole day. When I went to go get him after work, he did not look like my kid. It looked like he was in a torture chamber and completely broke down the moment he saw me. I have seen Philip go through a period of adjustment when he started kindergarten last fall. I saw meltdowns and tantrums. I was able to deal with it. The expression on his face and how he cried in my arms yesterday will haunt me for a very long time. I kept it together but the moment he fell asleep that night, I completely broke down. Today, I had to pick him up on my lunch hour and due to Jay and I both being busy with work (I have a meeting all morning) we decided to just take him to my mom's.

I am so grateful my work has been very understanding of this and that is why I need to put my work first tomorrow.  We tried placing him with a different group (his age and younger) but he doesn't want to go. We originally felt like perhaps his current group is a little too mature for him (there are kids his age and older) but I bet he doesn't want to change his surroundings.I also don't want him in the younger group. I felt like there were not enough adults for the number of little kids (ages 3 to 6)

This leaves my husband and I confused and with a very tough decision on our shoulders:  Should we pull him out of day camp or should I encourage him to stay? Philip is a lot like me. He is not an extrovert. He prefers solitude and perhaps a day camp environment where there are lots of group activities is not the right place for him? He did seem to like to play in the water and talked about doing crafts.  I also noticed that there is A LOT of structure and leaves very little time for "free range play" which I am a big believer of and is something that Philip needs!  At least at school, he has downtime in the morning at the school daycare, recess, lunch and after school. Even the unstructured play time at the day camp has themes and guidelines!

 For now and this decision may change: Since it has not been his first full week,  I am going to give him a couple of more days of camp next week. If things don't improve, I am pulling him out. My mom graciously volunteered to spoil watch him for the summer. I am sure my niece can also help for a few days if need be. I also cancelled the last week of camp too (last week of July) since I only enrolled him for a month. I am glad I did.

I don't want to teach him that it is OK to quit because things are not going to his liking and want to encourage him out of his comfort zone. On the other hand, if I push him too much it could have some serious psychological effects. I want to help him out of his bubble not push him further inside!

Looking back at my youth, I was never a day camp kid. My mom didn't work. I do remember when I was in Brownies and I hated it. I was there for maybe 6 months until I finally quit. I remember having to go to a sleep away camp with my Brownie group and I hated that too. It wasn't only homesickness that affected me, it was sharing a room with 20 to 25+ kids AND never having personal space.  In a way, by the end of that horrible weekend, it gave me confidence in dealing with a very extroverted world. I was hoping this experience could be the same for Philip.

Fellow parents/ introverts - what are your thoughts? Am I making a wise choice? How would you or your child feel in this situation?

Thank you all for reading and I look forward to reading your comments!


Here are some additional resources if you stumbled upon here and are reading up on introverted kids:

Monday, July 4, 2016

The friendly knowing nod

Alright guys and ghouls, now that Canada Day is out ouf the way, we shall continue with my bitching! Today's topic at hand: The Nod. You know when you see another alternative person and you nod at them as a way to say hello? We used to do this. Alright, not everyone used to do this but a lot of us did. I remember but I am wondering since when and why did we stop doing this?

I have noticed over the past couple of years that whenever I ran into a random alternative person on the street and I gave them a friendly nod, they never returned it! I swear, very recently, this one girl was staring right at me and walked away!

Are we that afraid of being judged by other goths or is it because we are too busy doing the judging ourselves?

Many local people are complaining that the local goth scene fading away and not like what it used to be. In a way, there are right and lets do something about it!

Will I ever stop nodding at fellow goths? No because I am sure one day, someone will nod back.  I am also not a snob.

If you see me and you nod, I will acknowledge your nod back! If I give you a friendly nod, it is not to judge you or immediately become your BFF, I am simply acknowledging you. Not only by ignoring the other person you are being rude, it only further creates a rift in the subculture.

Remember, I am a mom and I always tell my son to be polite and to play nice so perhaps we all could use that same little lecture?

I do love the subculture and I will not leave any time soon. In fact, I really don't mean to sound all that bitchy (only a little bit). To be honest, the few times I actually did venture out to a club or a concert, I have met some very friendly, down to earth people who made me feel really comfortable. I just wish there would be more of them!

I challenge you to give your local goths a friendly nod today!

Good night Darklings!

Friday, July 1, 2016

So it's Canada Day, eh?

Today Darklings, is Canada Day. Not only did I get the day off, I dyed my hair and I slept all afternoon...oooh what a rebel but it felt great!  We were supposed to go to the fireworks tonight but its raining and thundering so they are probably cancelled.

I am working on some posts but want to take pictures and edit them so in the meantime, you can look at the makeup I am wearing. I know it may sound vain or shallow but I did my makeup and I am not going anywhere! Why not share it here, right?

Don't I look purdy????

Alright, this is what I really look like!

If makeup is not your thing, please enjoy these Canadian themed videos below:

Perhaps this isn't Goth content but don't fret, we will be back to my usual posts soon.


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