Monday, June 6, 2016

Wanting to forget

There are times I want to forget. I have a very mild form of anxiety and during the past couple of weeks, many events that stemmed from my personal life have affected me. If these were isolated incidents, I would be fine but they are not. It seems like everything is happening at once and every time I feel like I keep my head above water, something new happens and I get weighed down all over again. It is so frustrating. I am constantly fighting to keep myself from drowning. It is very frustrating and am getting pissed off at the Universe. Seriously, can I catch a break now? Really?

My May Monster Madness and my last Pop Figure post had a Doctor Who theme. In each post, I referenced The Silence and how they had the ability to make you forget. While looking at them, you know they are present but the minute you turn your back, you forget what you saw. Well, I feel like with what is going on, I wish my problems would be The Silence at the moment. Hopefully, I could turn off my mind for a while, look in another direction and just forget.

So without further adieu, here is my Pop Figure and the moment you scroll away from the image, you too dear readers will forget what you saw!




For the record, I am not comfortable writing about the reasons why my anxiety levels are high ( a little too personal for the Interwebs) but I can assure you that myself, husband, kid and the rest of my immediate family are doing well. We are as strong as ever and the husband has been really supportive. Despite not wanting to turn this post into a drama-fest, I thought I would share some fun personal facts about my anxiety:

- I went years before my anxiety was actually diagnosed. I thought having anxiety meant having panic attacks which I very rarely have. I think I had maybe 3 in my lifetime.  Not bad, eh?  It took a therapist to actually tell me that I had anxiety and even then, I didn't believe her at first.

- I love my mind. I can be creative, sarcastic, funny, and witty but there are times I hate my mind because I over analyze the shit out of things. I get all worked up over "worse case scenarios" and they never happen.

- When these "worse case scenarios" never happen, I feel like shit for it because I got all worked up over nothing. It is almost like I want them to happen so I can say "a-ha! I knew it!"

- I am grateful that my anxiety is very minor compared to some people. My heart really goes out to them. Any form of mental illness is not easy because you are constantly at war with your own mind.

- My anxiety got worse after I stopped smoking and when I was trying to get pregnant.

- I hate the feeling of being on edge and having that knot in my stomach. I hate having indigestion and waking up in the middle of the night by heart burn then having to deal with my thoughts afterwards. This is not a common occurrence and usually happens when I have a lot of stress in my life.

- I do not take any medication for anxiety or depression because I don't think I need it but will not judge others who do require medication in order to get by. Every one is different. My story is not your story and I am doing what is best for ME.

- One of the reasons why I love Doctor Who so much is because it is one of the few things that can distract me from my thoughts.

24 comments:

  1. More and more every day I try to understand anxiety. My 11-year-old has suffered for many years now. It's a funny thing Anxiety but I admire her courage and yours. Wishing you the best!! Hang on tight.

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    1. I am so sorry to read about your daughter. My heart goes out to kids who have these kind of issues.

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  2. I feel you, Sylvie. I have anxiety as well and it's no fun.

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  3. Having anxiety doesn't make you a worse person. Just try to not get caught up too much in it!

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  4. I haven't been properly diagnosed, but I do have moments of anxiousness. I also tend to over-analyze things as well.

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    1. I think we all have anxiety to some degree but it is how we react to it that makes it a mental illness but I am no therapist. Just my thoughts

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  5. Wow we have a lot of the same symptoms! Big hugs!

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    1. Thanks, Laura, hugs to you too. If you ever need to talk, message me!

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  6. Anxiety is tough to deal with. I don't suffer from it on a regular basis but I have had problems in the past. It usually revolved around a job that made me unhappy or people that made me unhappy. I've even quit jobs just to escape that constant feeling of anxiety and fear. Since then, I've figured out that I'm an Empath and that most of the fear and anxiety I was feeling was not my own. Being able to talk through your anxiety without fear or judgement with a friend or a therapist would help tremendously. You can always send me a message if it's a rough week. :)

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    1. Thank you for the offer, Mary. I am an empath as well so I can wholeheartedly relate to feeling emotions from others. I do know that this bout of anxiousness is coming from me. I will be ok, there has been some events from my personal life that caused it.

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  7. Oh the anxiety monster! Not a fun monster. I have only started to understand my anxiety and introversion a year ago, after my failed attempt as an Avon lady. And now that you talk about it, I guess that's why I love Outlander and Dr. Who: my job is all about following time, minutes, seconds even, so it's not a coincidence that during my off hours I enjoy stories about people who can control time!

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    1. I know! Me too! I am constantly playing beat the clock!

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  8. I used to do the over-analyzing worst-case scenario thing too. I learned it from watching my parents as I was growing up. The best thing that ever happened to me was training myself to think instead "don't worry, it may never happen" and "cross that bridge when you come to it." Makes a BIG difference!

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  9. I am sorry you are having a rough time. I was also diagnosed a long time, but I was put on meds (I took myself off of them years ago, which I do not recommend without talking to your doctor first!) and it seemed to make me like an emotionless robot. I hope this bout passes for you and you can get to your happy place once again :)

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    1. Thank you very much. I too was put on meds for depression. I was about 16 years old. It made me a zombie and just like you, I stopped taking them. You are right, it is important to consult with your doctor first and I didn't.

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    2. I took myself off as well....and went off the rails. Sigh...

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    3. Yup! Me too! Thankully, you seem to be much better now. I know I am. *hugs*

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  10. Your first paragraph reminds me VERY much of myself and the time from January 2014 on, when I had to deal with my mom's and grandmother's health issues in addition to my own life. IT. JUST. NEVER. STOPPED. But eventually it DOES stop, although you never know when that will happen until it happens. Sort of like life in general... it will stop eventually, but the question is when. I hate when the Universe does that!

    Perhaps we shall meet one of these nights, our brains running beside each other on the dreaded Universal Hamster Wheel. If so, let's jump off together! ;-)

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    1. Yes! I would totally jump off with you LOL I feel like I just stopped running in my wheel and am just spinning there!

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  11. My fellow anxiety fighter, my heart and complete understanding go out to you. Like yourself, I've never even seriously contemplated taking medication for my anxiety, but have zero judgement towards those who do. Each of us must utilize the tools that serve us best and for many, that means (if only at certain times) prescription meds in the never-ending battle against a silent force that is as ever-present as our very shadows.

    With all my heart, I hope that summer brings some much needed serenity and respite your way.

    Huge hugs,
    ♥ Jessica

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