Wednesday, April 6, 2016

How goth helped me redefine friendship and how I got over losing my best friend

I am aware I am not the only one who has encountered these situations, I bet a lot of teenagers are experiencing something similar at this very moment. I am pretty sure that most teenagers are worried about how their families (and I suppose friends) will accept their new found goth identity. Personally and fortunately for me,  my teenaged self never really had this issue. I never had to come out of any proverbial goth closet. I always wore freaky clothing and had a penchant for the darker things in life. My mom never really cared. My dad didn't like it when I shaved the sides of my head but welcomed the romatigoth look. One of my siblings thought it was hilarious to call me "Morticia" or "Elvira" until I pointed out that I thought they were very beautiful women and it was a huge ass compliment. My friends never cared and were probably not surprised to see me go full out goth. Some of my friends liked to tease me but it was all in friendly good fun. They used to tell me that they were going to throw holy water on me to see what would happen! Some people have their sad teenaged stories but I cannot relate to those.

This post is more about on how I view relationships now, as an adult. I once posted about how some people unfriended me when I came back to goth but there was one friendship in particular that stood out. I lost my best friend.

I was reminded of this drama very recently and this is all thanks to my Time Hop app I have on my phone. Essentially, this app gives you old Facebook photos and statuses, Tweets and various forms of social media you posted to on that particular day X amount of years ago.The status about my best friend unfriending me came up.

Here is a time hop example.
I still remember the last time I saw her. This was several years ago. In fact, it was after over a year of absence from her life. It was awkward. I randomly bumped into her. My husband noticed the tension between us too. He said afterwards that you could have cut it with a butter knife.

 I think it was not long after that final awkward encounter she unfriended me from Facebook. According to some people, she told them I was too weird for her and she didn't want to associate with people like me.

What saddened me was the fact there were no good byes, no explanations from the both of us. In other words: there was no closure. I felt even worse because it took me a few months to even notice that she unfriended me from Facebook! We once loved each other very much and there was a time we confided our deepest, darkest secrets in each other.

As much as I want to solely put the blame on her because I came back to goth, I can't. I was a horrible friend too and I need to acknowledge that. 

Yes, perhaps she may have judged me and ditched me because I started dressing goth again. I get that. What a bitch!  In situations like these, I don't always look at what was done to me but what I have done to the other person. So while I would like to scream my outrage and play victim,  I was a pretty shitty friend to her. My life went off in all sorts of wonderful directions, I forgot about her in the process. She never changed, she remained stagnant and well, boy, did I ever change!  Some people simply grow apart. It was the fact that we labelled each other best friends and I just simply dropped her.

Reading that time-hop was good for me because it enabled me to realize just how much I have grown since then. I also learned a valuable lesson: When I tell someone that they are my friend or family, I mean it. It made me realize that I should not just nonchalantly throw those words around either.  Now I make sure that if I should call someone a friend, I would treat them better. I would also be a little more selective with whom I decide to have a personal friendship with as well. While I originally thought I was grieving over the loss of our friendship, I came to realize I was sad over the fact there was no closure. I decided to move on and nurture my current friendships I have around me. No use crying over spilled milk as they say.

Speaking of Friendships, not long after I came back to Goth, I got acquainted with someone online. Years have gone by since then and I am very fortunate to have became friends with this person. Why is it that the coolest people live so frigging far away? I just want to say thanks. I wish we had some Star Trek teleportation device (beam me up, Scotty!) to facilitate hanging out with each other because we both live on the opposite sides of the planet. Not only do we confide in one and other, we also share fashion advice, Fandoms, video-games, you name it! In fact, this person got me reacquainted with Doctor Who! You know who you are!

Today, many people have come and gone from my life and I am OK with that. In fact, I welcome it. The people who matter are still part of my life and for that, I am thankful. I am ever so grateful for having such positive, intelligent, open-minded people in my life that while they may not always agree with my point of view or lifestyle, they want me around nonetheless. Those are the people who matter.These are the people I invest in!

My niece and I celebrating my birthday at the Doctor Who Concert.


  1. Friendship is magic. Yes, I went there. XD

  2. Everyone already thought I was weird before I started dressing Goth because I was socially awkward and bookish. I'm lucky to have good friends who appreciate me that I met in the last few years but I was quite lonely til then but I am sure there are many with stories like yours.

  3. I guess I only had 2, maybe 3 good friends at school. Now I feel a part of the local (and not so local) Goth scene. From the day I left school until last year I never saw or heard from anyone, which was fine I wanted nothing to do with anything to do with school again. But last year my best friend turned up on Facebook, we met; we had nothing in common except bad memoirs of school. He`d had loads of girlfriends and wives, I had one. He`d found God, I`d found Goth. In a way it was a shame, but 39 years is a long time.

  4. People drift apart, and sometimes they come together later. Esp in NYC, you have a lot of people coming and going from other parts of the country, I feel like all I'm doing these days is saying hello and goodbye

  5. It is sad when friendships end that way, I also feel closure is really important with these kind of things



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