Wednesday, July 22, 2015

What coming back to goth has taught me

This post isn't just what coming back to goth has taught me but more of a lesson on life that a lot of people, not only goths have gone through. It seems to me that a lot of people I have conversed with this past month have gone through similar situations.  I am posting from my own personal experiences which happens to coincide with coming back to my True Self. You can look at this as a life lesson from a goth's persective but the overall message behind this post can be the same: surround yourself with love and positive people. This is something ALL of us can relate to.

 I learned the hard way that sometimes it is better to be selective with whom you spend time with. I strongly believe that the greatest gift you can give anyone is your time because that is something you cannot take back.

I used to be naive and that got me in trouble so many times. Not everyone respects you. It has happened that some - not all people have used that naivete to their advantage.


Since coming back to goth, I have noticed over the years that I lost many friends and estranged myself from certain family members. Some couldn't accept that I was different, some I came to realize that we had nothing in common with each other anymore and some I realized did nothing but bring me down. When I went "normal" and was very unhappy, I attracted a lot of like-minded people. When I started to go goth again and become happier, even more self-confident, those very people did everything to drag me back down. It was either the personal insults, the backstabbing or their constant negativity that would drain me of all my energy. They never had anything positive to say. Don't get me wrong, even today, I am not always the most positive happy, perky  person either. I can be pretty darned negative too. There is a difference: When someone has nothing but complaints and can find nothing positive about life, I re-evaluate that friendship. I tried helping so many people, believe me. Some people just don't want to be saved. Some people are happy being miserable and to be honest, I learned that before I can truly help anyone, they need to want to help themselves first.You and only you are in charge of your happiness. Another imporant lesson I learned when I came back to my true self.

I had an epiphany this month. I guess you can say it was a reminder on how much of a complainer I used to be and how negative I once was. I was reminded of how much I have evolved over the years and how much of a better person I have become since I am back to being goth again! Without getting into specifics, the epiphany happened when I came in contact with a new person in my life.

The fact that I am kind and have what they call a "resting friendly face" (ie I look happy and approachable all the time which isn't always the case) often makes me a target to these sorts. Within an hour of meeting this certain woman, she was telling me all her personal problems and misery. I felt sorry for her..... at first. Not only did she go on and on about her personal problems, which can be draining enough as it is, she started demanding, not asking, I would do things for her. After all, why wouldn't I? She has had such a hard life, I should feel sorry for her.


The thing is, I really did feel sorry for her but catering to her whim and knowing full well that her demands will never end, I knew she would never be satisfied with anything. It will NEVER be enough!  I have fallen victim to this trap before. I heard the excuses too "I don't have many friends, I trust you, I don't trust a lot of people, You are such a good friend, etc" I saw where this was going.

This is my "you got to be kidding" face when I am in these situations.
 In all honesty, I have no problems being that shoulder to cry on, in fact I really want to! I have always been the strong one. I love helping people and making a difference. I also would prefer to not have my kindness used as a weakness. I also learned the hard way that even the strongest of people can fall and when we do fall, it is not pretty.  I cannot devote my time to people who do nothing but make demands/expect things from others and never show any appreciation. I much rather volunteer in an animal shelter or clean up parks or help spread awareness on environmental issues or help those who really need and want my help.

 I am now the mean person for saying "no thank you". I am now the mean person for not catering to her every whim and for not giving a reason why. I guess saying "because I can't" isn't a good enough reason for her. That is another lesson I learned in life: You don't owe anyone an explanation. I know it sounds funny because I am explaining all that right here on this blog!

By coming back to my true self, I got the self confidence needed to set boundaries, to tell people "no" and to tell people to "eff off" when needed! People thinking that being goth is a bad thing got it all wrong. Coming back to my true self, by doing things I enjoy doing and by wearing clothing that makes ME  and ONLY ME happy is doing so much good on so many levels. Life is too short to be surrounded by toxic people or for wearing boring clothes! I am happy to say that I have so many wonderful friends and even family members (those I have not estranged myself from) that I would go out of my way for. The nice thing is, I know they got my back when I need it too. Today, my life is full of giving and receiving compliments! My life is full of giving people advice and people helping me out when I need it. Thanks to being a migraine sufferer, I learned that it is ok to ask for help. It is ok to have people take care of me for once as long as I make sure that I do the same for them when they need it. I don't always have to be the strong one! Having a strong support system enables me to be there for people who really need it! I gained confidence enough to be the goth at the office and not feel like I need to kowtow to anyone either to fit in or to be nice.  I also learned that I can not only be goth but I can still be the nice one and sweetheart to people too, I don't need to be a raging bitch in fear of being stepped on. I can still be nice and sweet while insisting on having personal boundaries, of course, the other party may not see it that way!

You cannot fully love anyone until you love yourself first.

Goth or not, it is ok to say "no" and you know something? The more you do it, the more self-confident you become!

23 comments:

  1. "Life is too short to be surrounded by toxic people or for wearing boring clothes!" <3 Can you say it more simply? :D That wraps this whole great post up!

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  2. You are vey right, self love is the way to love other human beings and care for them! I find it admirable that you found the strength to fight off the energy vampires (which are not the cool, gothy vampires we all adore!) which suck you dry with their demands and then leave you if you need them. A very empowering story, thank you for this!

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  3. You need to practice a grumpy "piss off" face and wear it at all times in public ;)

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    1. Kinda like the scowl I have in my profile pic for this blog! The funny part is, people ask me what's wrong LOL I guess I need more practice?

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    2. Ha ha ha I have a bitchy resting face. My entire life when I'm standing alone not engaged with anything I appear mean. Once I'm talking, I'm a complete dork.

      I love your *you've got to be kidding* picture. :D

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    3. I want a bitchy resting face. It is so hard for me NOT to smile and when i do scowl, I laugh at myself!

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  4. I hear you. I had a "friend" like this, and when I got pregnant I decided to prioritise and cut her out of my life for good. She still pops up every now and then trying to guilt trip me into going to see her and doing her favours. You definitely need to adopt a "resting bitch face" ;) lol.

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    1. Good for you for putting yourself first!

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  5. Excellent post, thank you! There seem to be a lot of these going around lately, obviously we need them. :-)

    And emotional vampires are the worst... I'd rather be stalked by Count Dracula!

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    1. Thank you very much, I hope it helps. Count Dracula can stalk me anyday!

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    2. Yep, as long as he's the sexy one, not the old ugly one! ;-)

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  6. Soulful, excellent post, dear Sylvie. Thank you very much for speaking straight from the heart here. I can genuinely relate to so much of what you said and really appreciate that you touched on people who always just so negative and who seem to have no desire to look for the positives in life. That mindset couldn't be more of a 180 degree distance away from my own and I have a very hard time being around or having even online conversations with such people. I don't need life to be all sunshine and roses 24/7 by any means, and goodness knows that my life isn't that way, but there's a difference between a legitimate complaint or a rough patch, and someone who could have it all in life and still find a way to be miserable for the sake of it. Those people are toxic to our mental and spiritual well beings and usually it's best to try and distance ourselves from them, especially if they're disrespecting us in any way as part of their negativity.

    I admire your strength, wisdom and fortitude and truly hope that the the remainder of 2015 and beyond is a positive time of continued self reflection and personal growth for you, dear Sylvie.

    Tons of hugs,
    ♥ Jessica

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  7. Interesting post and you have discussed an array of topics that we have all encountered. Sometimes at certain intervals I left to explore the hippy side and purged my wardrobe of black preferring colour and listening to bizarre folk music. I always return to it, but I never thought it ever left me or I left it. I just wanted to explore others sides.

    I totally agree with what you say about life, is way too short to deprive yourself of being whatever affiliation you want, so long as doesn't injure or harm others. Sadly, there so many toxic people around who drain us at times, it sounds as you've been true to yourself which is the most important thing

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    1. Thanks Sarah, I would love to see pics of your hippy days! It would make for a fun interesting blog post, just sayin' :P

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  8. Wonderful post! I nodded and agreed with so much of it!!!

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  9. Yes, learning to say no is so important!

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  10. Most of the time I'm pretty good at saying no. And I try to stay far away from emotional vampires. Of course sometimes I don't have a choice to stay away from the vampires because I work with them. They always seem to be drawn to me! I've even quit jobs just to get away from negative people in the past. Now I try to work for myself so I can pick and choose who I spend my time with. Life is too short for toxic people or boring clothes! -ain't that the truth!

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  11. I recently discovered your blog and I've been enjoying following ever since. In fact you inspired this blog post a little and I mention you there as a blogger to check out! Hope you are well. B.x http://geengeenie.com/2015/07/26/indulging-your-inner-goth-5-gothic-lifestyle-links/

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  12. well but it sounds like you definitely learned it in the end, probably everyone will get hurt and taken too much energy before we realize that we must stay away from some kind of people... and now work on that face ^_^

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