I learned the hard way that sometimes it is better to be selective with whom you spend time with. I strongly believe that the greatest gift you can give anyone is your time because that is something you cannot take back.
I used to be naive and that got me in trouble so many times. Not everyone respects you. It has happened that some - not all people have used that naivete to their advantage.
Since coming back to goth, I have noticed over the years that I lost many friends and estranged myself from certain family members. Some couldn't accept that I was different, some I came to realize that we had nothing in common with each other anymore and some I realized did nothing but bring me down. When I went "normal" and was very unhappy, I attracted a lot of like-minded people. When I started to go goth again and become happier, even more self-confident, those very people did everything to drag me back down. It was either the personal insults, the backstabbing or their constant negativity that would drain me of all my energy. They never had anything positive to say. Don't get me wrong, even today, I am not always the most positive happy, perky person either. I can be pretty darned negative too. There is a difference: When someone has nothing but complaints and can find nothing positive about life, I re-evaluate that friendship. I tried helping so many people, believe me. Some people just don't want to be saved. Some people are happy being miserable and to be honest, I learned that before I can truly help anyone, they need to want to help themselves first.You and only you are in charge of your happiness. Another imporant lesson I learned when I came back to my true self.
I had an epiphany this month. I guess you can say it was a reminder on how much of a complainer I used to be and how negative I once was. I was reminded of how much I have evolved over the years and how much of a better person I have become since I am back to being goth again! Without getting into specifics, the epiphany happened when I came in contact with a new person in my life.
The fact that I am kind and have what they call a "resting friendly face" (ie I look happy and approachable all the time which isn't always the case) often makes me a target to these sorts. Within an hour of meeting this certain woman, she was telling me all her personal problems and misery. I felt sorry for her..... at first. Not only did she go on and on about her personal problems, which can be draining enough as it is, she started demanding, not asking, I would do things for her. After all, why wouldn't I? She has had such a hard life, I should feel sorry for her.
The thing is, I really did feel sorry for her but catering to her whim and knowing full well that her demands will never end, I knew she would never be satisfied with anything. It will NEVER be enough! I have fallen victim to this trap before. I heard the excuses too "I don't have many friends, I trust you, I don't trust a lot of people, You are such a good friend, etc" I saw where this was going.
|This is my "you got to be kidding" face when I am in these situations.|
I am now the mean person for saying "no thank you". I am now the mean person for not catering to her every whim and for not giving a reason why. I guess saying "because I can't" isn't a good enough reason for her. That is another lesson I learned in life: You don't owe anyone an explanation. I know it sounds funny because I am explaining all that right here on this blog!
By coming back to my true self, I got the self confidence needed to set boundaries, to tell people "no" and to tell people to "eff off" when needed! People thinking that being goth is a bad thing got it all wrong. Coming back to my true self, by doing things I enjoy doing and by wearing clothing that makes ME and ONLY ME happy is doing so much good on so many levels. Life is too short to be surrounded by toxic people or for wearing boring clothes! I am happy to say that I have so many wonderful friends and even family members (those I have not estranged myself from) that I would go out of my way for. The nice thing is, I know they got my back when I need it too. Today, my life is full of giving and receiving compliments! My life is full of giving people advice and people helping me out when I need it. Thanks to being a migraine sufferer, I learned that it is ok to ask for help. It is ok to have people take care of me for once as long as I make sure that I do the same for them when they need it. I don't always have to be the strong one! Having a strong support system enables me to be there for people who really need it! I gained confidence enough to be the goth at the office and not feel like I need to kowtow to anyone either to fit in or to be nice. I also learned that I can not only be goth but I can still be the nice one and sweetheart to people too, I don't need to be a raging bitch in fear of being stepped on. I can still be nice and sweet while insisting on having personal boundaries, of course, the other party may not see it that way!
You cannot fully love anyone until you love yourself first.
Goth or not, it is ok to say "no" and you know something? The more you do it, the more self-confident you become!