Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Charlotte Sometimes



I have posted many times about how I went "normal". I don't think I ever was really normal to begin with but I just didn't associate myself as goth anymore for many ridiculous reasons.

The funny thing is, I was still "goth". I still dressed like everyone else but there were many days, I pulled out my old goth clothes and wore them. I listened to the music ALL THE TIME. Whenever I wore what I thought was normal, mainstream clothing, the peanut gallery had fun pointing out all the goth undertones. I would then proceed to bitch about how I wasn't goth anymore and would get really sad over that thought.

I have debated many times since I began blogging last year whether or not I should post about this personal subject so openly over the Internet but I want to. I feel like I need to.

Some people have asked me in the past what made me come back to goth. I have numerous reasons why but I always omitted one major reason and today, I want to share that reason.

Back in July 2009 I believed I was 12 weeks pregnant. Here in Canada, the earliest pregnancy scan is at 12 weeks. There is no ultrasound but just a doctor's visit where the doctor does a checkup and uses a device called a Doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat. I was super excited for that appointment! Unfortunately,  my doctor was not able to hear a heartbeat.

Trying not to flip out, I was sent for an ultrasound. This is where I got the bad news: My baby died at 6 weeks! I had what they called a missed miscarriage. It is where my body failed to reject the fetus and I pretty much carried a dead baby around for an extra 6 weeks!

Afterwards, there were complications. I chose to miscarry at home vs surgery. The method I chose failed. I thought I had completely miscarried but I started hemorrhaging a week later and had to be rushed to the hospital via ambulance. The ride to the hospital was pretty neat since they even had the sirens and lights on! I was then forced into having the surgery I originally refused.

Afterwards, I went into a huge depression. At one point, I even contemplated suicide. The reason for my depression was not only because I really wanted that baby but it was how I was treated by other people, mainly "family members". I have since estranged myself from these people but they did nothing to bring me down, to gossip about it and even blame me over what happened. The people I was able to talk to, gave me a bunch of mixed reactions. Some had no frigging clue on how to react. Some went through something similar but they did not want to talk about it because it was too painful for them. The majority of the people I knew refused to discuss death. It was taboo. It is something we do not talk about. Some made cold hearted comments about me not being very far along anyway and there was no real baby there. In my opinion, that baby was very real to me. Just like the pregnancy with my son, I KNEW very early on that it was a girl and I was going to name her Charlotte after my favourite song "Charlotte Sometimes"  from one of my all time favourite bands! As a mother, I wanted to save Charlotte and would have even traded my life in exchange but I was not able to do so.

Not being able to mourn properly combined with the fact that I really didn't understand why people did not like discussing death was very difficult for me to comprehend. What is so taboo about it? Why don't people talk about it? Am I really that morbid or weird as they claim? To, me these things are normal!  This seriously made me take a long hard look at my life and who I was as a person. In a way, I wanted to save that baby but it was really the other way around. She had saved me.

In the end, not long after my son was born, I stopped trying to fit into a mainstream world that I knew I didn't belong in to begin with. So what, I find beauty in the macabre. Big deal! It is who I am, part of my personality. I have been that way since I was very little.

If anyone stumbles upon this blog doing a search on pregnancy or infant loss, perhaps these few words can help you: Talk about it. If someone doesn't understand or listen, talk to someone else you trust. Grieve. Many people have opened up to me and told me their stories because they felt comfortable since I was open about mine. While listening to these stories,  I realized one thing the majority of us had in common despite the background or story was self blame. We felt like we did something to cause it. Please know this: That is not true! It wasn't something you did or didn't do. It wasn't your fault.

It has been six years since this has happened to me. I still remember it like it was only yesterday.  July is a bitter sweet month for me. I lost so much but gained a lot more. I am a better and happier person because of it. 


15 comments:

  1. Sylvie, I am so sorry for your loss and how you were treated. Our society tries to ignore death but there is also a hierarchy and sadly miscarriage becomes of one those unspoken silent grieving. My best friend carry her twins 8 months and lost them. She was at least able to have a funeral for them. Very, very sad. Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. Thank you! That is very, very sad for your friend. My heart goes out to her! I could imagine what it was like for her to go into labor and give birth to babies who either already died or died not long after. That must have been very hard. Hugs to her!

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    2. Thanks Sylvie. It has been nearly 15 years and since then she has had two children who have lived and grown up. She still talks about her "babies" all the time and wonders who they would have been. I think continually talking about them has helped... It's terribly sad but somehow not acknowledging them at all would make it all much worse.

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    3. Yes I do believe not acknowledging them would make it worse I too often wornder where mine would have been and it is so bittersweet. If I wouldnt have lost that baby, I wouldnt have my son today. I totally see where she is coming from!

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  2. I am SO sorry for your loss. I'm glad you decided to share Charlotte with us. No matter how short her time was, she was a real person, and deserves to be remembered. I'm also very glad you made it through all that AND the depression.

    People in First World countries seem to have a real problem dealing with death and dying; shove it under the rug, don't talk about it and it won't exist. They wish! I'm glad we are among the "weird and morbid" people who are not afraid to talk about it, and are therefore less likely to fear the inevitable.

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    1. Yes I agree. I think it is ok to talk about it. Will people accept it? Probably not and that is ok too but when a miscarriage occurs and is more common than people think, I think we NEED to talk about that. I know TONS of people who go through it alone and get depressed because no one understands. A death of a sibling, parent, friend is more acceptable just like goth gardener pointed out, there is some sort of hierarchy. There really shouldnt be.

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. Even if it's been 6 years already, it must still feel terrible...but you're absolutely right; I don't get why death is a taboo topic either...It's part of life, it's inevitable...And I believe it's a lot easier to accept loss if you're somewhat prepared for it. I mean, sure, it hurts and you might find it hard to open up and talk about it, but...you have to get over it somehow. Altought I miss him, I never talk about my father's death because I simply don't feel the need...I've processed it already, but I never refuse if someone has questions about death or loss or needs help to process theirs because I know how much it can help if you have someone around who can relate to your feelings.

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    1. I am sorry about your dad. Mine past away when I was pretty young so I understand that as well.

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  4. Oh Sylvie. :( I'm so sorry for your lose and that you had to go through this. Family can really be the bane in someone's life, can't they? As you know, I understand ... and now your comments to me make more sense. Sending you love.

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    1. LOL Yeah I relate to your situation I just didnt think it was fair to share my sad story on your blog. I felt like you needed to hear "yeah I get where you are coming from and I am here for you". For me personally, those words mean a lot. Not a lot of people get that family is only blood but it is who choose to have in your life that matter.

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  5. Death is not easy for a lot of people, but you are right it is a part of the circle of life. I am very sorry for your loss, but I am happy that you are able to find a positive in this terrible experience in your life. She will always be with you....always. <3

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  6. *hugs*
    I experienced an early miscarriage in March 2013 - I know what you're talking about. I know what you mean about people not knowing how to talk about this kind of thing.

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  7. It is sad that people cannot talk about this. Not just about the loss a mother feels but also all the trauma you went through.

    I was really impacted by how my family related to my grandfather's death when I was about 15, my mum wanted to get over it, he was old, sweep it under the carpet, he was in pain, he isn't now... I couldn't feel that way, I had to grieve slowly over nearly a year. I always remember my mum not understanding that.

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  8. With every last fiber of my being, I am truly sorry that you had to endure this heartbreaking, horribly painful and stressful situation, sweet dear. Thank you for speaking so candidly with us about it. As someone who has battled infertility my whole life and will almost certainly never successfully have children due to it, believe me when I say I can understand your pain and the emotional turmoil of dealing with experiences like this. Please know that I am always here if you ever need someone to talk to about anything in the whole wide world.

    Gentle, huge hugs,
    ♥ Jessica

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  9. Thank you so much for sharing! There are so many taboos around pregnancy, and all they do is make the women feel worse about themselves. There is an idea that if you are not floating on pink clouds through the pregnancy and the first few months there is something wrong with you. I try to be as open as possible about the problems I faced during my pregnancies, but I notice that there are still issue that I don't feel comfertable sharing.

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