Wednesday, July 29, 2015

An open letter to my son

 "Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise..." - The Beatles, Blackbird

My dearest Philip,

Last week, your school uniform was delivered to my office. I hate having emotional reactions at work and it took a huge effort on my part not to cry. This is a huge milestone you will be reaching at the end of August. You are no longer my baby. You will be starting elementary school!

It seems like only yesterday I was pregnant and it was not easy for the both of us. There were complications and we both barely survived the whole ordeal.

I wanted so much to be able to nurse you but it just didn't work out. I hated how I was treated in the hospital, how fanatical they were over the stupid breastfeeding issue and I thought I failed as a mother. Little did I know at that time, our bodies were only trying to tell us something....because....

Not long afterwards, you got really sick and I was afraid of losing you again. You had a rare condition called Pyloric Stenosis.  Pyloric Stenosis is when you cannot fully digest your milk and you end up projectile vomiting. Thanks to your dad and I for being "special", we would often find humor in difficult situations. We make wise cracks or jokes during difficult times. We were so worried about you because this condition could potentially be dangerous so we used humor to relieve the tension... we did this by calling you Linda Blair. If you don't know who she is, Google her and go watch the movie "The Exorcist" If they are any remakes out by the time you are reading this, go watch the original. You will probably hate me for it and never look at pea soup the same way again!

You were only about 7 weeks old when you were pried out of my arms and wheeled into surgery in order to correct the issue. Ironically enough, you were released out of the hospital on Halloween - your first one! I will never forget that day. I was so happy because that meant you were able to eat properly and I didn't have to worry about you dehydrating anymore!

I never used that sling again. This photo was taken moments before you projectile vomited down my shirt, on my face, and in my hair. I tried to get you out of the sling to avoid a mess but I was not fast enough. I knew you were going to do it too. You went white like Casper The Friendly Ghost and I tried to avoid being puked on. In the end, I braced myself for the incoming puke-age. Thanks a lot Linda! Don't make your head spin now!

One of your Halloween outfits.

And another one. Worn the day after Halloween since these were left at home. You got that basket of goodies while you were in the hospital. We still have it, somewhere! I think you found it and opened it. You sneaky bugger! This is why we don't have anything nice, ya know!

Despite your rough start, time went by and you blossomed over night. You gained the much needed weight and you were in the 90th percentile, you were way up in the charts for your age! Way to go buddy!Thanks to the Pyloric Stenosis, you were 6 pounds when you were born (you were almost born premature, a week earlier and you would have been) and you went down to 4 pounds in matter of weeks.

You hated "tummy time", you never learned to crawl but you used to scoot on your ass to move around. You talked pretty early on and much to my delight, the first word you ever spoke was "mama". I will never forget it. You woke up from your nap and when I went in your room to take you out of your crib, you looked at me, smiled and said it. I cried so many tears of joy. I never knew anyone could make me this happy. My life felt like there was something missing before you were born. For a long time, I lost myself and you help find me back. On the other hand, there are many times I wondered what life would be like if you didn't learn how to speak, you can be pretty cheeky at times!

When you were about 3 months old, you got a monkey plush as a gift because one of the names I referred to you as when I was pregnant was My Little Monkey. You used to be My Little Gremlin but you moved around so much in my womb that the Monkey name was more suitable. In fact, your entire nursery was decorated in Monkeys. To this day, that plushie (AKA Mr. Monkey) is your favorite. You cannot sleep without it.

Normally, parents are advised to not let children sleep in a swing or car seat but due to your surgery, the doctors recommended this. It took a few weeks for your tummy to settle but at least Puke-Fest 2010 ended moments after your surgery. You don't even have any scars!

You still look like this when you sleep, I bet you are blushing about now!

In a blink of an eye, I was getting ready for your first birthday. I remember crying out of happiness. It meant that we made it but I still didn't put my guard down, I was still afraid of losing you.

This was your birthday cake. It was your first birthday and I went overboard. It's your Mister Monkey in cake form, completely edible! It was also the first time you ever had cake.

The summer before your second birthday, your daycare put on their annual show for the parents. The year prior, you flipped out and ran back in the other room, you were too shy. You got to dance and I cried all over again. I saw that I could finally put my guard down - you were OK. I could concentrate on other things instead of being on alert all the time. I am still a worrisome mother but not as bad or as anal as I used to be so cut me some slack, kid!

Time went by so fast. There are many times I stop and wonder the following things:

Did I tell you I love you enough?

Did I hold you enough?

Did I comfort you enough when you needed it?

Did I spend enough time with you? I often feel guilty about sending you to daycare.

How much longer am I going to have all this before you may not need me as much as you used to?

Maybe one day, I will be gone so you will read my blog because you will hopefully miss me or you will stumble upon this blog post out of sheer boredom! I wonder what kind of man you will be. I am going to do my best that you will become a good one and no matter what, I will be your biggest fan. Always.

As I am typing away on my computer, you are taking a bath. I can see you whenever I turn my head, you are playing with your toys. Don't you dare pour water on the floor! I have eyes in the back of my head - a great mom feature I inherited since having you so don't think for a moment because my back is turned I wont notice! I will and I will use my "Mom voice" at you!

I think you picked up on my mom radar because you just told me "Mom, you're my best mommy ever" in which I replied "You're my best Philip ever", I guess I don't need to worry so much about the other things like not telling you I love you enough, now do I? We both know I will anyways! I am not going to take any chances.

I may have disappointed you and I may have made mistakes but one thing is for sure, I am damned proud of you. I can only do my best and hope you turn out alright. I always like to think that I would give you enough quirks and weirdness to make you funny one day! I think I have succeeded this far, after all, you have said some funny things over the years, in fact let me quote you now and I promise I won't get into how you talk about your penis:

"My fufffin, I share with no one" 2 yrs old
You meant muffins 

"Mommy you are really squishy and you will grow an adipose" - 4 years old

"Daddy, mommy is getting ready, don't bother her. She is putting her boobies on" 3 yrs old

"Mommy, I want to go to aging E-gin" you meant Ancient Egypt - 4 years old

See, it's too late, you're a nutter just like your mom. Look you have your underwear on your head! Your chance is very, very slim for normalcy, see I got proof right here! 
I bet you are either really embarrassed or really not impressed with me now,  kid. That's OK I pissed you off millions of times by now. Look at the adorable picture below, you were about two years old here. You were clearly pissed about something!

So know this: I will always love you no matter what, despite how nutty or quirky I am, hell, even when I am pissed off at you.... especially when you don't listen or want to wait for a flipping second. Kid, you need to wait 5 freaking minutes at times. I waited 9 God damned long months for you, the least you can do is give me 5 minutes! Sheeesh!

See you were pretty ticked off at me here. I didn't get your bottle fast enough and you were hungry. Naturally, I grabbed my phone to take a picture before I prepared your bottle. I am glad I did, what great memories! Look at that shade of red! Wow! I am still impressed!

It is almost time to get you out of your bath and have that usual bed time battle. Seriously, GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP (adding a video of this at the end of the post)! Thankfully, it is not quite time to end your bath time fun yet . I have enough time to go wipe the tears out of my eyes so I can read you a story. For the love of bats, please don't pick the same god damned story again! We read that book hundreds of times! You have tons of books. Come on kid! *** For the record you did pick the same bloody story AGAIN. Ironically enough it was that Berenstain Bear book about going to sleep in a timely matter, it doesn't do shit. Over an hour later and you're STILL frigging ass awake. I am not dumb you know, I can hear you playing in your room!***

So I guess I will end this here.I do need to go up there to give you shit for staying up. I guess you won't be watching Scooby Doo tomorrow, sorry buddy. You know the rules. GO TO SLEEP DAMMIT!

Love, your nutty Momster

Taken when you were about 2 almost 3 at "Tim Portance" (You still can't pronounce Tim Hortons, too cute)!
PS.. To my readers who have read this entire post, novel, thank you, I do realize it was a long one so I hope I made you laugh! It took me over 2 months to formulate this post. It was so hard to write it without breaking down. In the end, I just said "fuck it" and decided to use humor, like I always do, to help me through this. So you reading all this and hopefully enjoying it means a lot to me. I look back at those first years and do smile. It was so difficult. I still remember the fear of losing him and I had a miscarriage prior. It was a very emotional time and whenever I do look back, I recall all those emotions I felt during those months. By going through such an emotional roller coaster, it only enforces on how blessed I am to be a mother, I always wanted to have children of my own. I am not perfect, I don't want to be. I just am glad to be his mom and I couldn't have had a more perfect, beautiful, wonderful child (even when he doesn't listen, doesn't want to wait or frigging ass go to sleep when he should!) To other parents reading this post, time goes by fast. I know EVERYONE tells us this and I know it is annoying to hear it again but go give your little rug rats an extra hug today. I blinked and he is starting Kindergarten soon (damn Weeping Angels!)  You may thank me for it.


  1. this was heartwarming <3 and well, humor is a good thing! hope there wont be any times as hard as the beginning for you! and well, pea soup made me laugh more than i probably should have XD

    1. LOOOL glad to have made you laugh and thanks for the comment Ramona!

  2. What a lovely post Sylvie!! I'm sure your'e the best mom in the world for your little boy. I'm happy to see more goth moms in the blogosphere, it feels like we are few. They grow up too fast but the time when they become older you can also enjoy parenthood in another way. Me and the bunch will do some cross fit tomorrow after breakfast and take a trip to the forest for some chantarelle hunting.
    I hope he will find this post when he get older <3

    1. Thank you very much! That is really sweet of you like. I like reading your posts as well.

  3. This incredibly beautiful, moving post brought tears to my eyes, dear Sylvie. Thank you deeply for speaking straight from your heart to your son and sharing in the tender love of motherhood with all of us. I feel honoured to read this eloquent letter.

    ♥ Jessica

  4. Beautiful Sylvie, just beautiful. I can just see the pea soup shooting into that sling and all over poor you!

    Jane (Breaking the Angel)

    1. LOL it wasn't quite pea soup but it was white but it did projectile like in the Exorcist! Glad to entertain you :)



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