Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Why I dislike some (not all) other parents - part II

I have a personal mantra in life. It is simple: Don't be a douche! Treat people the way you want them to treat you. Have some respect.

I once posted something similar to this blog post, you can find it here if you would like to read about it. I would like to add a point I previously missed in that post.

You see, my son comes home and complains about a certain kid at his daycare. I gave him advice to deal with his bully and moved on. I once talked with the daycare lady and apparently, Philip is not the only one who has a hard time dealing with this kid. That is fine, in life, we all have to deal with difficult people.I did not realize this would still be an issue until today when I went to pick him up at daycare after work.

As I was helping him get his boots on, that same little boy was shouting loudly while his mother ignored him and carried on her conversation with this other parent. He then started shouting "Philip is a baby. No one likes Philip" I looked right at the kid's mother and she went on like he was doing nothing wrong. She did nothing to handle the situation.

I am not trying to claim to be mother of the year....but.... If it were Philip doing that, I would of corrected that behavior immediately. My conversation could wait. Bullying is NEVER ok. No son of mine is going to be a bully!

Then the kid goes right up to Philip and shouts incoherently in his face. My son, who is very shy, started hiding behind me.

Considering this mother did nothing to correct her child to begin with, I took matters into my own hands. I got down to the child's level and asked him calmly "why are you saying these things about Philip?"

The kid's response appalled me. "He is a baby!"

My answer "Well, that is not very nice. If Philip said something to hurt your feelings, you can tell me just like I can tell you that you saying these things are not very nice and hurts feelings"

The mother stopped her conversation. The woman caught in between looked uncomfortable. I looked at the bully's mother square in the eye and asked in a polite yet firm tone "is there a problem?"

She backed down, stuttered something I didn't quite catch and started rushing towards the door. She did tell her kid as they were leaving that he should behave better since they have errands to run and if he continues to misbehave, they won't do anything special while they were out.

Personally, that kind of behavior would of not allowed Philip to do anything special. That kind of behavior would of been stopped immediately and not rewarded. The kid was screaming those things, it was not like she didn't hear him!

My son did not appear to be phased by his words. In fact he just told me that the boy was a mean kid.
I used to think just like Philip; that bullies were just mean kids. After what I saw and experienced,  I don't think he is a mean kid anymore but just a very sad child who perhaps may just want some attention. Children often don't care what kind of attention they get, even if it is negative attention. It is still attention. While I still stand my ground that this kind of behavior shouldn't be rewarded, hopefully the mom could do something enjoyable with her son, to bond with him and spend some quality time with him.  I don't care what anyone says, name calling IS bullying. Kids will be kids but it is our responsibility to guide our children in the right direction. I hope she speaks to him about his behavior, yet considering she originally gave off a dismissive attitude,  I do not feel very confident she will.

image source: https://imgflip.com/i/4pbd

17 comments:

  1. Some people should not have kids. When I worked in retail I was exposed to the various forms of bad parenting. The worst parents would ignore the child completely, they would just tune them out. What pisses me off about that is not only are they not dealing with the behavior but they're also treating everyone else with disrespect; why should the general public have to deal with your annoying screaming child if you won't? What kind of bull crap is that? It wasn't anybody else's decision for these people to squeeze out a child, they need to take responsibility for it, damnit!

    Another one that really got me was this incredibly dumb woman who tried to calm her seriously misbehaved child down by offering him ice cream. Your read that correctly, she was giving him ice cream for being bad. It wasn't, "if you keep this up you won't get ice cream" it was "we'll go get ice cream later". That's not proper parenting, you don't reward the child for bad behavior. It seems crude but kids are like cats, if you let them scratch your furniture and cuddle them afterward, they'll keep scratching your furniture!!! Honestly, I'm floored with how stupid people are, it makes getting up in the morning difficult at times, just knowing that they exist. >:(

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    1. That is exactly what this woman was doing! She was ignoring her kid, just tuning him out. I admit, when my son had temper tantrums, I ignored them, when he realized he wasn't going to get a reaction, he usually stopped. We had a few meltdowns in malls or in stores but I ran behind schedule and was rushing to pick up an item then head home. The meltdown coincided with nap time. He started raising his voice, I simply reminded him that we don't do that and understood where his frustration came from. Once we got home, he napped! I won't stay or linger, I would GTFO because I don't want to be THAT parent. That kid at daycare wasn't having a meltdown, he was misbehaving and the mother couldn't care less. I agree, don't reward bad behavior. I bet that kid knows, if he/she did XYZ, she would get ice cream! I am also floored with stupid people just like you!

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  2. Yes, i am so sick of parents ignoring tgeir brats! I was on a train once with a woman whose who young children were literally wrestling on the floor at one point. I think she slapped one once, and it was obvioysly so used to being slapped it barely noticed. At least most parents if the kid is being loud you hear them shushing them.

    Unfortunately probably too many people who shouldn't have kids have them because it is just what is expected. Is it surprising their children feel unwanted?

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  3. Yes too many people shouldn't have kids, seem to have them easily and the ones who should or who really want, either don't or have trouble getting pregnant! It is not my place to tell someone to raise their kids but personally, I am against slapping or spanking children. I don't see anything productive that comes from it. That poor kid! How disruptive in must of been for you though, on your train ride though.

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  4. I totally agree! Just a thought, perhaps the mother backed down because there is something going on at home...like abuse. Perhaps the mother's partner is verbally abusive and thus the child is repeating the behavior. Whatever it is, it really is sad all around and I'm sorry Phillip is getting the effects of whatever is going on! I applaud you for saying something and being very diplomatic about it.

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    1. That could be it. I did meet the kid's father and really liked him. He helped me get my car out of the snow! On the other hand, it doesn't always mean that someone who is nice like that isn't abusive. If that is a case, I hope for the woman's sake, she gets out. No one deserves that. I felt like I had to say something in a polite yet firm way because I wanted Philip to know that kind of behavior isn't acceptable and that as his mom, I am there to help him through it. Thank you for that thought, that is a very valid point.

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  5. You handled the situation very well it would seem. Good for you and thanks for sharing this insight :) dealing with other people's children can seem like such a minefield sometimes. ..

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    1. Yes I agree. You don't want to step on other people's toes yet you want to show your child that you are there to protect them. it is not an easy situation. They say it takes a village to raise a child. I think it is true.

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  6. I used to teach classes for people who wanted to be licensed to be foster/adoptive parents. I've always said that there are no "brats" but children BEGGING for structure. You are right, children will take whatever attention they can get be it bad or good attention. When a child is acting like the one you described he is BEGGING for attention.You calmly gave him some attention-you did not humiliate him, but rather told him the boundaries he should be learning. I helped raise my nieces and nephews- and now am helping them with their own children. They grew up hearing me say things like: "I am very interested in what you are telling me, but the people at the next table may not be, so could you lower your voice a little" and especially if it was around nap time: "I know you are tired, if you can hang in there just a little longer I try to get through shopping as fast as possible." It's funny because I hear them saying these things to their kids now so I guess it does sink in- even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

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    1. Thank you! I am so going to use your line "I am very interested in what you are telling me, but the people at the next table may not be, so could you lower your voice a little" I often use the nap one too. Children want and need to be heard. They cannot always express their needs so it is up to us to help lead them in the right direction and help them find their voice! Thanks for sharing all this!

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  7. my husband and I were talking about bully monster children (we were both bullied as kids) and their terrible bully-monster parents and we decided that if we ever worked at home (unlikely), we'd home-school our kids so they would never have to go through what we went through. People always say that home-schooled kids turn out strange, but I've found the opposite was true. They were always confident and friendly and clearly had none of the emotional baggage that we had.

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    1. Unfortunately for me, this isn't an option. In a way, while I too was bullied and it was a horrible experience for me, I am glad it happened. It help give me the confidence and courage to deal with negative people later on. On the other hand, if I did have my way, he would be homeschooled :)

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  8. You were a lot calmer than I could have been in that sort of situation, and your son is lucky to have such a great mum.

    I live in a town with a strong 'yummy mummy' culture. Nice middle class families, absolutely no discipline for little Johnny, who can scream round cafes and bars wailing at the top of his lungs disrupting everyone else and throwing food about. I've actually stopped going in one local coffee shop because I've nearly scalded an unsupervised child when walking back to my seat (not on purpose, he was running at speed up the service isle). Having breakfast out with the husband became a chore the other week when 2 parents sat calmly ready the papers whilst their son (about 5/6 years old) stood screaming on the seat with a metal fork pressed against his eye. They may not have been anxious about it but I was having kittens!

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    1. Ugh, that really pisses me off. If you want to have a quiet meal, get a babysitter. I hate it when people say "no everyone can afford childcare". In my opinion, if you can afford to eat out, you can afford a babysitter and if that isn't in your budget, eat at home! My son is no angel but he knows that it is no way to behave in a restaurant. He colors and if he gets bored, I got a great plan with my cell phone. I put Netflix on! I know some people judge me for that one but the way I see it. He colored, we talked and played but if the meal is taking forever and he is getting restless, I much rather a happy child vs one who is acting up. The cell phone is really my last resource, though. I was calm on the outside but believe me, it took a herculean effort to not lose my cool. I wanted to be the better person and lead a positive example.

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    2. and mine should have said 'reading the papers' not ready!

      The same cafe also suffers from 'buggy blockers' - 2 mothers coming in with 2 babies who use their prams to block off their bank of seats and take up 3 tables. This seems to be common practise. The staff have tried to stop it, created a buggy park, even put a rail up to stop them being taken into one part of the place, but to no avail. I've actually been trapped at my table by one group doing this who got really angry when I asked if I could leave! I have located quieter lurking spots!

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    3. LOL I love how people think they have kids the whole world should stop for them. Not a very good example at all. When I go to the l'oreal sale, it says clearly that no strollers are allowed on the invitations. I was happy to see that because a couple of years ago, it wasn't the case. It is like a mosh pit in this sale and you dont know how many strollers I almost tripped over.

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