Saturday, January 10, 2015

What happened after I rediscovered goth - The chronicles of a thirty something year old baby bat!

I have to say, 90% of the people who knew me were not surprised. Most probably didn't even care. Some made a joke that I grew out of my "normal" phase and glad to see I was no longer depressed. It was no big deal.

Then there were the others. The Tribbles as I like to call them who had nothing but negative things to say. Not only did these people stab me in the back but I was also stabbed in the front. Be forewarned. It may not happen to you but it always seems someone has something to say!

These people greeted me with open arms when they saw photos of me on Facebook with blonde hair, bright blue shirts and how I looked like everyone else. They accepted me. It felt good to get approval because in the past, they made it very clear that they didn't approve of my goth phase.

"you look so normal now", "look at that blonde hair, let's hang out", "no offense, I didn't really want to hang out with you when you were goth. I was embarrassed to be seen with you" Normalcy=immediate acceptance despite the fact I still had my odd, quirky personality.

Then I ditched the charade and they said all sorts of things, tried to give me advice and even implied that I was being selfish because I am a mom now. I should dress the part!  Did you know that being a mom entailed a uniform? Behind my back and even to my face, it was said that I was doing it to attract male attention. We all know that stereotype! Some of them said that  I am a mother now and I shouldn't be viewed as a sex symbol

The first corset I got when I came back. Who knew this beautiful garment sparked so many comments! I am a mom now so I shouldn't wear these things. I guess being a MILF is an insult?

The funny thing is, when I was "normal" you don't know how many whistles I received from strange men. You don't know how many unwanted advances I got from from people. I think it was the other way around but since stereotypically speaking, goths are supposedly easy, I must be having affairs every night! Jeez, I wonder where I would find time for that with a small child to take care of but anyways. That one amused me the most.

The all time best, it was greatly implied that I was a bad mother because I started dressing goth again. Oh noes! Can you believe it? How dare I raise my child to have an open mind? Shame on me! Damn me to hell!

My first piercing since coming back
Obviously, I needed a tattoo. It represents a lot. Being true to myself and the birth of my son.

Another classic "what would your husband say?" He knew me in High School. He met me as a goth. We started dating when I was still goth. While he was supportive, he was kind of sad that I ditched the clothing. Not because of anyway he viewed me, because he knew that the clothing represented who I am. He was happy and is usually more than willing to overlook my spending towards new clothing items today and every other damned day!

Some people just stopped talking to me altogether. They never seen me as a little Gothling, only as the normal Barbie doll incarnation so they were shocked. One person said "we have nothing in common anymore" although I pointed out that nothing really changed except for my clothes.

Me slowly coming back. I didn't have much clothes back then. I just dyed my hair black and badly cut my bangs into Bettie ones. I fixed those. The clothes I had, still didn't fit me anymore as I gained weight from being pregnant.

I was accused of having some midlife crisis. I couldn't handle being a new mom. I was depressed.

My all time favourite "I really like you. I really want to be your friend but I just wish you could dress normal like everyone else" That one cracked me up. I never knew friendship meant having a dress code.

Some people just unfriended me from Facebook. I blinked and they were gone!

My first Halloween when I came back

Looking better.

The thing is, none of that bothered me. Just like the meme, being unfriended on Facebook really was like the trash was taking itself out for me! It was wonderful! The people who mattered, didn't make a big deal about it. The nicest thing someone told me once is that I make a cool mom. It helped me find out who my real friends were.

I had to buy him the obligatory Sourpuss shirt. It still fits him.

So if you are thinking of dusting off your old pair of Doc Martens and bringing out the electric razor to cut your hair into a death hawk after all these years, why not? What do you have to loose? Nothing. In fact, you gain new friends, you keep the good ones and you can re-experience the whole subculture once again.This time as an adult! I know this maybe biased but come on... you know you want to!

P.S. one thing this blog post taught me, I can be vain...look at all those selfies I took. I am glad I "catalogued" my transition. Yes, we shall go with that! I catalogued it all!

29 comments:

  1. I went through a normal phase in grad school because I thought that I was being passed up for some pretty sweet opportunities because I was "too goth" for the administration. As you know, my academic career means quite a lot to me. So, in response, I normed out so that they would "see my achievements" and not just the dark clothes. It didn't matter -- the head of the department had a problem with me personally (I wouldn't work with him) and the some of the staff thought I was spending too much time focusing on "crap art." When I realized what was going on I happily tossed my "prep normal" clothes and went back to who I am. It feels good to be back to my retro/vintage-loving, Gothy self. :)

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    1. I love your retro/vintage gothy self. It sucks that the head of the department had a problem with you. You seem to be such a nice person! Glad that you come back!

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  2. It's still bugs me that people like that can exists. Like I said before, I've never had much resistance to dressing alternative, mostly positive reactions and surprisingly from quirky old ladies lol. Basically, if anyone is stupid enough to freak out at you for being goth and finds it weird, and I mean anyone under fifty, then they're the one with problems...

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    1. Yup I agree they are the ones with the problems. I just find it funny and amusing and it inspires me.

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  3. Great post - love the key necklace in pic second from bottom. Think I've mentioned before that I went through something similar - working full time & studying for a degree 2 nights a week I ended up 2 stone heavier and wearing clothes that I realise now were just not me, but some internal image of how I should look corporately (I was working in a chief executive's department at the time, and I did moot an eyebrow piercing and was told very firmly it would not be acceptable. I've since realised I can't do piercings as my body rejects them, but never mind).

    In truth I'm a bit of a mix now, I'm half goth, half nerdy librarian (my love of cardigans knows no bounds!). But I am truly comfortable in my own style now, and hope never to go back to 'conform'. I'm lucky I've not lost friends over it like you did, but then it must make you question if they were ever friends. Instead I've actually met a lovely network of people who I meet infrequently but absolutely adore. So viva la goth!

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    1. Therey were very few people who just unfriended me, I didnt dwell on it I looked at it as a gain. I had the attitude, if you can't speak to me about your problem with me then it really isn't my issue. If the way I dress is what you find offensive, then well, that too isn't my problem. I hope I never go back to conform either. I made new friends and they are just lovely

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  4. It does amaze me how narrow minded people can be sometimes. I don't even think twice about that sort of stuff so when I come across somebody behaving that way I find it quite shocking because I'm really not used to it anymore. But good for you, if coming back to your roots has made you happy then thats all that matters. And if being yourself means some people don't want to be friends anymore then so be it, I like to think of it as a sort of filtering process :) sorting the good friends from the crappy ones.
    Ps. I think you also look lovely with blond hair.
    Pps. Your son's shirt is ADORABLE. I may also be biased but I think maybe goths make better parents ;)

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    1. Thank you. I do think it is a filtering process too and a positive one! Thanks for the compliments.

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  5. I have heard that so many times that mom's should dress like moms..I really hate it. I even have friends who don't dare to dress like they used to anymore after getting a kid :/

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    1. That sounds really sad. I remember when my son was first born, times were really hectic for me so I didn't always have time to get dolled up. I pretty much lived in sweat pants and my husbands oversized t-shirts. As the baby got older, I found more time for myself.

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  6. It always amuses me how some people think your clothing changes your personality. All my Goth friends seem to be perfectly understanding of me dressing in my coloured faery clothes, so I guess a lot of goths are less judgemental than 'normal' people. When I first started wearing black as a teen, it drove me crazy that my parents and relatives treated me differently even though I always loved Poe and dark things!

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    1. I know exactly what you mean. Family always seems to be the worse when it comes to comments and the way they treat you.

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  7. I'm glad you decided to be yourself again.
    It's good to find out who your true friends are too.

    Your little man looks adorable in his shirt! :)

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  8. I read this the other day and then just re-read it. I'm still shaking my head. Maybe because I grew up in a small town and everyone knew me from pre-school up (or at least 80% of my HS graduating class), they just thought I was in a phase... and now that I'm 40, they think it's a really long phase HA! Seriously, we should all want to be friends with a variety of people. I can't imagine hanging out with a group of people just like me (sometimes it's nice to be around similar folks) but diversity! Gah! And from all your posts, you seem like a great mom! Just keep being you!

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    1. Thanks. I guess some people don't see it that way. Oh well, my gain, I got better friends!

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  9. This past year I too have delved back into the corsets, fishnets and even bought myself an adorable bat purse. I am 36, (recently) a single mom of 5 and I have never been happier. Your story only emphasizes what I have already figured out. Do what makes YOU happy!!! Ppl who talk negatively and degrade you... waste of time and energy anyway. Stay true to who you are. I am so glad that your husband supports you. I could never be the me I wanted to be around my ex...

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    1. Happy birthday and my hat's off to you for being a single mom! I am happy to hear that you got out of an unhappy situation. Enjoy the corsets!

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  10. You go, Goth! I'm so happy that you found your way back to your true Goth self! It's easy to fall away. Don't let anyone abuse you because you refuse to look like a billion cookie-cutter soccer moms and obnoxiously preppy dads. Individuality is precious, and so are you!

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  11. This just sounds so surreal, that people really act like that and are so fixed on how other people dress. O_o Gosh, those people probably have no life of their own, if another person's corset gets that much hatred. I think it is wonderful that you kept true to yourself!

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    1. Actually you are right, those people didn't have a life! It's funny, I expected to get that kind of negative reaction from other goths being all elitists and such but the majority of other gothic people have been so wonderful and supportive. I got this from "friends" and from more conservative family members. I don't know why my personal life means so much to them or why they were so emotionally invested over my articles of clothing. It amused me at that time as I first started coming back in 2012 - these are really old pictures LOL so this happened a while ago and you know something funny? They STILL make comments and naturally, it gets repeated back to me. I really do take this as a compliment on how much they have invested in my personal life. In fact, it inspired me to post about it, ha!

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  12. "no offense, I didn't really want to hang out with you when you were goth. I was embarrassed to be seen with you" In what universe does that not sound like an insult? How do people think that saying "no offense" means you get to say whatever you want afterwards? I'm sorry you had to hear such things.

    Thank you once again for posting such an inspirng post. I mostly do "goth light" (normal clothes, just black), but I'm trying to find the confidence to do more.

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    1. LOL my response to the no offense remark: "No offense but I don't like to hang around with superficial people"! As for the clothes, wear what makes you comfortable. For me, it is finding clothes that fit without enhancing my problem areas. I tried on so many beautiful outfits and they did not suit my body type at all. My body changed so much since becoming a mother. I used to be a skinny little thing now I am not. So, for me too it is a self confidence thing too. I don't know if this applies to you though.

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  13. seems like you're having a great time getting back into the scene. I wonder if my friends care how I dress. they've never said anything one way or the other. In-laws do have comments, though. There was also a guy I dated whose parents pressured him to break up with me because of my appearance. They thought I was trashy or whatever. He did. Whatever...the losers weed themselves out. Our appearances filter out the assholes.

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    1. That is sad you had to go through all that though. Yes, I agree, our appearances really do help filter out the assholes. Its just sad the amount of superficial people I encountered. I personally really don' t care about what a person looks like. I have all sorts of friends, goth or not.

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  14. I'm a little late to the party here as I've just discovered you through Goth Gardener's blog (I currently don't have a blog). But I wanted to thank you for this post as it was very thought-provoking. I have been through plenty of this behavior for my being different, reserved, dark, into sci-fi and fantasy--and on and on. It isn't the sole province of those who react poorly to goth clothing and culture. There is a large contingent out there who are conformist and can't deal with non-conformity, however it manifests itself.
    I am an elder who is gradually returning to my goth roots. I was a teen goth in a small Kansas prairie town where no one knew that word. I wasn't allowed to dress it much, but I was into horror, vampire literature, walking the cemetery and decorating my room as goth as my parents allowed. Now I've been that somewhat traditional wife, soccer mom, & health care worker, and feel the need to come full circle. So I tell all this to ask: how will I be accepted as a 50-something baby bat? I think I'll be regarded as having early dementia! Perhaps I'll have to start a blog about my journey. ^_^! Thanks again!

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    1. I say go for it! I know many people who came back to goth and just discovered goth in their fifities. Appy the gardener is one of them. You can check out his blog at http://appythegardener.blogspot.com. He writes a lot about his gardening job and all the gigs who attends to. You can also join the facebook community Goth after 30 (Elder Goths) are an excellent group. The majority of the member 99.9% of them are super open minded and it is a great group. I think there are some members there too that discovered goth in their fifties. I don't think you will be regarded as having dementia. I say go for it! It is never too late! Jillian Venters, author of The Gothic Charm school gave some excellent advice here: http://gothic-charm-school.com/charm/?p=923

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  15. OK so there are different types of Goth fashions. If you dressed fetish goth with short pieces of latex showing 90% of your body and handcuffs and a whip I'd say "OK this maybe is not appropriate for a mum", but the type of goth you wear is elegant and sophisticated. But people will always talk. People will always criticize. If it's not about being goth, it's about something else. They turned their back to you? You're better off without them in your life. Those who stay are your true friends. The only thing you have to do is be a good person, a good wife, a good mother. And this has nothing to do with your style. It has to do with your personality and maturity. Show the people around you you are a "real" mature grown up and shut their filthy mouths down.

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