Before I begin, I just wanted to say a quick thanks for all that feedback I received with regards to that post I made about coming back to goth. I received a lot of feedback either by personal message or by comments here on this blog. I even had friends message me and text me to tell me they saw that post being shared via social media! It took me by surprise, really. On my end, I got positive feedback which was nice This is a new blog, perhaps this will make me sound naive here but I honestly never imagined it would reach out the way it did. Thank you. I never realized how many people related to this and it was very encouraging.
In fact, someone commented that while she wears a lot of normal clothes, just black, she was trying to find confidence to do more. Thank to this commenter, I got inspired all over again so I have to sort of piggyback on that previous post and do another one!
It is funny where we find inspiration, isn't it? I always say it is the little things in life (be it a stupid comment, a moment, an observation or something trivial) that move me the most and I just have to get my thoughts down.
I got inspired because in all honesty, I too occasionally lack confidence. It took a lot of nerve to post those photos of me when I first came back and to even call myself a baby bat. I was proud of that accomplishment. On the other hand, recently, I joined the Curious Professor's Z's Bat Fit challenge because I want to get in shape. Joining that challenge and working towards my own personal fitness goals has enabled me to do some soul searching. It is helping me feel better about myself because I do not always have a positive outlook, especially when it comes to the way I see my body. I posted something about that here but I also want to elaborate on that as well.
In other words, I am elaborating on my Batfit post and the one where I spoke about my experiences when I came back to goth. Keep that in mind.
Back in my early twenties to mid twenties, I was a super thin, little twig of a woman. I did not take care of myself and made a number of poor decisions. I eventually stopped all the crap I was doing to myself and my poor body. I gained a healthy weight from eating right and making positive, healthy lifestyle choices. I was very active and comfortable with myself.
Then I got pregnant and gained well over 50 pounds.I was put on bed rest and it was a difficult pregnancy. It didn't help that I craved French fries, 7up and cheeseburgers! I managed to lose most of the baby weight but there is always that 10-15 pounds that I have been struggling with since. When it really does go to your thighs and ass, it really goes there and it is damn frigging stubborn!
Even today, I am still used to wearing articles of clothing that reflected my slimmer body type. Shopping has been a harrowing experience since. Even when I go shopping at the local goth stores. I see so many beautiful articles of clothing, I try them on and I think I look like a gigantic sac of potatoes.I remember a particular time I was once almost in tears over it. Thankfully for me, the woman working at that particular goth store understood my concerns (she is a mother herself) and she suggested articles I would of never dreamed of wearing. I ended up leaving happy and she made a great sale out of me! Not only did I come back to my true self, I still had to learn to dress for my new body type.
Does this still hold me back today? Yes! On the other hand, you know something? I just stopped caring about what others thought. Blogging has been really great with this because the few times I do an outfit post (usually one suitable for work, after all I am the Little Corp Goth Girl, right?) my confidence level goes up. I am not expecting pity or attention or a slew of comments by posting all this. I chose to have this child. I knew damned well what would happen when I got pregnant. I didn't care. My kid was wanted and planned and I love him more than anything in the world.The feedback has been positive and it encourages me to keep at it!
Going back to that blog post where I posted about re-discovering the subculture, I mentioned the negative comments I received from the more "normal" people. I am now referring specifically to the comments I posted below the picture of me in that corset. I tongue in cheek commented about being a MILF. I always make silly, sometimes sarcastic remarks over things that upset me.That is how I deal with difficult situations; I laugh them off. That took tonnes of courage because I do not see myself that way at all. I still decided to put that picture of me up, added the mean yet humorous comments I received from people, despite my own personal insecurities over my body issues.
That picture in particular took me a long time, in fact, 3 years to see that I was still beautiful despite thinking that I have a huge behind! I don't think I look beautiful in that picture for vanity reasons but because I still looked happy and comfortable over what I was wearing! That is what made me beautiful! I was coming back to my true self and despite not feeling 100% confident over the way my body looked, I felt like I looked like me for once. I looked in the mirror and saw me and not some stranger looking back. I saw my inner beauty. To those closest to me, that picture speaks a thousand words!
If I can keep my head high after my personal insecurities over my body issues and not give a fuck, you can own it too! I guess what I am saying, despite the self esteem issues and what other people are saying, the personal satisfaction of being true to yourself is payoff enough! Who cares what people think? They are entitled to their own opinion and judgements.
I know for some people, body image was not a factor or obstacle or issue for them when they were coming back, perhaps I am being presumptuous? Perhaps the commenter who sparked such inspiration is referring to something completely different? I know some personal friends told me in confidence that they were afraid of what their spouses would say/do, some of it was because of their children and their communities.
For me, personally, I was lucky, those were never an issue so I cannot fully get into that here. Hopefully, someone else can brush upon that for discussion sake! I think this was never fully an issue for me because most of my old friends had fun playing "spot the goth undertones" when I was normal. It was annoying for me but so much fun for them! I was greeted back with open arms and the very small group of people who said those mean things or just stopped talking to me was so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It really was a great filtering process. I also live in a very cosmopolitan city too so perhaps that can attribute to it.
Don't let insecurities hold you back. This is advice for me as much as it could be for anyone.