He helped shape the person I am today in so many ways. I think if it weren't for his love, support, and guidance, my life could of been a hell of a lot worse. Even today, I take comfort to his words of wisdom he spoke to me over 15 years ago!
On a more personal note, growing up, I always considered myself the black sheep of the family for various personal reasons. I just never completely felt like a full fledged card carrying member. Looking back, while I still don't always think I "fit in" with most of my family members, I realize now, as an adult, a lot of me feeling like the black sheep was more my negative attitude than anything. I like to think I have a great relationship with the family members who matter and the ones who don't, well my time is better spent elsewhere.
I always had that black sheep in the family chip on my shoulder and my father knew it. I once told him as a teenager that "I didn't belong here". My dad wanted to show me I belonged. I love unicorns so he bought a unicorn key rack for the front hall. It was a place for me to put my keys on when I came home. He also planted deep, dark violet flowers in his garden in tribute to his goth daughter. The video in this post here kinda makes me think of my dad and those flowers.
|A picture of a picture cause I misplaced the cable for my scanner.!|
Despite his very conservative views, he still went to the goth stores with me and even bought me my first corset. He was amazed that the store had several coffins and one of them was second hand.
My dad loved Halloween as much as I do. He would take me trick or treating and he would get dressed up too. This meant wearing this very scary and realistic looking "deformed old man" mask that really did scare the crap out of some of the neighborhood kids!
In a lot of ways, I like to think my dad had a strong gothic aesthetic, although he is probably rolling in his grave at the thought of it. Pun intended! You see, not only did he love Halloween, he introduced me to Boris Karloff and early monster movies! He also dressed very gentlemanly. Dress pants and a nice button down top were his go to outfits. He believed jeans were meant for working in the yard! He also wore a very long leather trench coat- which he gave me after I begged and begged for it. He sometimes walked with a cane and a fedora. He loved classical music and introduced me to musicals. No surprise here, my favourite musical to this date is the Phantom Of The Opera!
Sometimes I feel robbed. For many years, I felt abandoned and alone because my whole world came crashing down after he died. He was my biggest fan and there were times I felt like he was the only one who believed in me and loved me when I wasn't able to do so myself. Getting married was hard too. He wasn't there to walk me down the aisle.
We respected each other's beliefs and loved me unconditionally. He saw the person - the woman I am today and helped push me towards that direction. He never cared about my blue hair or what kind of clothes I wore, although he made it no secret that he wished I wouldn't chose to wear those things. I still remember when I came home with that blue hair. His eyes popped out and he just stared at me in silence. After he put his eyeballs back in it's sockets, he told me "I don't like it but I still love you." My dad claimed he was a practical man. He felt like my love for poetry was a waste of time. I never understood his religious beliefs since he was a "practical man, after all"
Despite all that, I found a poem called "Footprints in the Sand" which is basically about a man who questions God . All his life, he saw two sets of footprints. One set was his, the other set of footprints were God's. During the most difficult times in his life, the man only saw one set of footprints and he questioned God about that: Why would God abandon him during the most difficult times of his life? The response the man got from God was "when you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you"
When I turned 18, which is legal age where I am from, he bought me a silver and gold cross pendant as a birthday gift. In the middle of the crucifix, their is a circle and inside that circle, you see a set of footprints. On the back of the pendant it is inscribed the final sentence of that poem: "when you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you" He told me that whenever I felt like I was alone or that I didn't belong, it really wasn't true. He was there for me and always will be, no matter what. He felt like the pendant was something we both could share and as a reminder that I was never truly a black sheep. I also take comfort knowing that although he's no longer in this physical world, he is still watching over me from wherever he is.
|source:collectalotshop.com - because my pendant needs some serious cleaning and isn't as shiny as this one!|
I like to say, despite many mistakes I made, I believe that he really is proud of me. During the happiest times of my life, I knew he was there cheering me on. During the hardest times of my life, there was really one set of footprints. I know he carried me through it all.
Is there someone that left a set of footprints in the sand for you and are you are missing that person this time of the year? How come? I challenge you to do a blog post about it!